By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
You probably remember Luciano as Richard J. Herrin Jr., the pinched-face mortician accused in 1990 of dumping cadavers from Texas Chiropractic College into a field in Brazoria County. That came two years after the Texas Funeral Service Commission, the industry's regulatory agency, revoked Herrin/Luciano's funeral director's license for operating a cremation business in violation of state mortuary law.
His pyres doused, Luciano went into the business of cut-rate caskets, operating alternately from a Bellfort storefront and the living room of his apartment -- which, allegedly, Luciano also employed as a holding area back in 1987, when he was a fetus-disposal man.
And then there are the bad checks, the wiretapping charges, the assault conviction and a number of other petty crimes dating back to the 1960s. But even if you're just now becoming acquainted with the name Richard Luciano, you catch the drift of this 47-year-old Galveston native who, in addition to grossing out all of Harris County on more than one occasion, did seven months of a five-year sentence after copping a plea on the body-dumping charges.
Good form would insist that we drop this whole sordid business. But we, like you, can't help rolling around in such a lurid gutter. Besides, Luciano himself won't allow it. Once again he has crawled out from under a rock to share with us his major-league-caliber chutzpah and an assortment of epithets and accusations directed at the Texas Funeral Service Commission.
"I'm from a big Italian family," explained the enigmatic embalmer. (He said his grandfather reluctantly took the name Herrin because the egg farmer he worked for during the Depression couldn't pronounce Luciano. Moved by family pride, Richard Jr. said, he officially changed his name back to the original before the cadaver-casting scandal came to light.)
"I know what organized crime is, mister. They told me I was going to have to do business their way or they were going to pull my license. They said anything dealing with death has to be by a licensed funeral director. I think that's kinda wrong. That's organized crime."
Luciano's low opinion of the TFSC is hardly news. The two have sparred regularly since 1966, when Luciano lied on his application to take the funeral director's exam. Larry Farrow, director of the commission, actually chuckled when he heard that Luciano was on the move again. He called the de-spaded undertaker an "albatross," as well as "one of the most colorful people connected to the industry -- or to the fringes of the industry, I should say."
"Colorful" would be one way to describe The Funeral Store -- a reincarnation of the original Continental Casket Store, which fizzled when Luciano was jailed for two and a half months last year after his attorney claimed that Luciano had threatened his life. (The case was tossed out. Luciano is suing the attorney, Jack Kennedy, who has since been disbarred.)
The Funeral Store is Luciano's plan to upgrade to a kind of one-stop shopping for the aggrieved -- or the merely foresighted. If it flies, Luciano will present a storefront challenge to what he calls the exploitation of consumers by the funeral industry. He plans to undercut by hundreds of dollars the merchandise end of the business by shaving the price of a casket, headstone and concrete burial vault to about a third of that charged by a full-service mortuary.
That would make Luciano a combination Mattress Mac and Claude "You plug 'em, I plant 'em" Clay, the dirt-cheap undertaker of Grimy Gulch in the Tumbleweeds cartoon.
"We have nothing but quality," said Luciano, who has virtually no lips, a nose as sharp and thin as a razor and dark eyes covered by tinted horn-rims patched up with adhesive tape. (He might consider hiring someone else to sell The Funeral Store on those late-night television commercials that are sure to follow.)
"If you walk into any funeral home right now and ask them what is the most cheapest casket that money can buy, they're going to tell you it's a 20-gauge steel and you can only get it in two colors, an ugly-looking brown or a dull gray. They know you're not going to like them colors and you're going to move up to another color.
"So you're paying hundreds of dollars more for the same-quality casket that cost the funeral home the same amount of money wholesale. The only thing you're paying for is $1,100 to $1,200 more for a few pints of paint."
Smart shoppers will be able to go to The Funeral Store and get a fiberglass casket, headstone and concrete vault for $1,375. Luciano will also pick up the Yellow Pages and arrange limousine service, which is usually handled by your kindly funeral director for nearly twice the going rate. And because, according to Luciano, funeral homes have a financial interest in flower shops, he can cut out those "kickbacks" as well.
"It's going to be the same thing [as the Continental Casket Store], but we're going to have more variety," he said. "It's going to be like a grocery store, excuse the expression. You walk in, you have caskets, monuments, flowers, clothing, rosary beads, veils, register books, whatever you need.