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The Future of Rock and Roll

We've seen it in a crystal ball and the pictures aren't pretty

Liz Phair (48)
Phair continues to be the world's most wonderful, talented and gorgeous woman, and resides in Los Angeles with husband Jim Murphy, whom she met on a whim following the publication of an article by Murphy speculating on the future of selected rock stars. The happy couple is frequently spotted at Hollywood nightspots, sharing a bowl of Shepherd's Pie and engaging in good-natured verbal sparring with fans.

Quote: "I'm certainly glad I called Jim Murphy on a whim following the publication of his article about the future of selected rock stars."

Henry Rollins (54)
Beginning with his hard-core band Black Flag in the early 1980s and continuing with his "spoken word" work through the end of the century, Rollins steadily built a reputation as rock's "kooky intellectual" and amassed a huge following of fans. But in 2005 Rollins' career took a dive when, asked to recite a poem for the inaugural ceremonies of President John F. Kennedy Jr., Rollins pulled out an early work titled "No Deposit, No Return." Amazed at the sheer vapidity of the piece, critics re-examined the Rollins oeuvre and declared the artist "intellectually bankrupt." Rollins soon abandoned rock and roll and went to work for Kenner Products, where he helped develop the best-selling interactive computer program for children, My First Poem.

Quote: "There once was a rock star from Nantucket...."
Adam Sandler (48)
In the mid-1990s, Sandler was pegged the "next Gallagher" by some, the "next Weird Al Yankovic" by others. But the supremely unfunny comedian's career faltered by the turn of the century as audiences realized they were just hearing the same joke, recycled over and over and over, delivered in the guise of the same grating, tinny-voiced character.

Quote (in tinny voice): "'Table' rhymes with 'Grable.' Dontcha get it? Pleeeeeease say you get it?"

Eddie Vedder (51)
Once considered rock's best hope, Vedder experienced a string of setbacks at the turn of the century. In 2004, after several years of bitter litigation with his estranged ex-bandmates, the last original member of Pearl Jam was denied the right to use his former group's name. In 2005, Vedder launched the Joy of Angst Tour, but audiences stayed away in droves. Undeterred, in 2007, Vedder persuaded his wheelchair-bound hero, Neil Young, to join the band for a world tour. Tragedy struck at the first show when an exuberant Vedder slapped Young on the back in the middle of an extended guitar solo during "Cortez the Killer," causing Young to slowly roll off the stage and into the audience. Vedder immediately retreated into seclusion and has not been heard from since.

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