By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
By Jeff Balke
Just ask Anne Boleyn
Elyse Lanier, on how to have a happy marriage: "Treat him like a king, and if you're lucky, he'll treat you like a queen."
Not to mention Wayne Dolcefino
Arthur Andersen's Ken Kuhl, on why Houston didn't make it onto his company's Fortune list of 15 best cities in which to work and raise a family: "You just need to get rid of the heat, the humidity and those summer thunderstorms."
It was the bathroom breaks that tipped the scales
Anonymous juror in 178th district court, presided over by Judge Bill Harmon, on how she chose her winning Pick 3 lotto ticket: "I thought about all the judges I've seen, and how this particular one has better court order and he's been lenient to jurors and treated us to wonderful meals. He excuses us to go to the bathroom, and he's always real nice to us. That's why I chose 1, 7 and 8."
We'll drink to that
Dr. Michael DeBakey, after consulting on the quintuple bypass of the perennially well-lubricated Boris Yeltsin: "He's not an alcoholic."
A double feature of Big and Rear Window would be nice
Former Houston Oiler John Schuhmacher, on why he and a buddy are promoting their new cigar company as the Butt Brothers: "We both weigh around 350 pounds. You could show movies on our rear ends."
Preferably like Ronald Reagan's
Woodville dentist Brian Babin, on Donna Peterson, his congressional opponent in the Republican primary: "I have been married 23 years and have five children and my opponent has never been married, has no children .... If you are going to run on family values, you should have a family."
And really, when you get to know him, so's the Unabomber
Soon-to-be ex-Congressman Steve Stockman, on his persona: "Really, when you get to know me, I'm normal."
But can she still read Maxine's column?
Gossip columnist Maxine Mesinger on Barbara Jordan's funeral: "I often think when someone as beloved as Jordan dies, it's a shame she can't see and hear her accolades. But then, maybe she can."
If the Buddha had had a tummy tuck and some liposuction
Beauty queen Victoria Phuoc, on her husband Dr. Ho Tan Phuoc, a malpractice-suit-plagued plastic surgeon who specializes in Anglicizing the faces and figures of clients: "In the Vietnamese community, they say my husband is a living Buddha."
Keep that breathless charm
Radio gossipeuse/naked DJ Lucy Lipps ratted to Hard Copy -- and Jerry Jones's biographer -- about the tipsy moves the Dallas Cowboys owner put on her when she interviewed him at an Austin restaurant.
Surprise! They settled out of court!
After three children, six years of marriage -- and 12 of living together part-time while he was still married to his first wife -- Linda Sarofim, the onetime secretary of billionaire investor Fayez, alleged in a $100 million divorce petition that he had assaulted, raped and falsely imprisoned her; then there was the question of child number three's parentage.
Business before pleasure
When former secretary of commerce Robert Mosbacher suddenly filed for divorce, entrepreneur/mega-babe Georgette hastily flew to his side and used all her formidable powers of persuasion to get him to withdraw the petition.
It's always nice when superstars take an interest in our young people
Hakeem Olajuwon, 33, who has an eight-year-old daughter by his long-banished former fiancee, entered into an arranged marriage with Dalia Asafi, the 18-year-old daughter of an Islamic businessman he met at his mosque -- and a recent winner of one of his Dream Foundation college scholarships.
We already feel better about fudging our business mileage
After IRS agent Terrance Catalina's lawyer called him "a patsy who was duped and blinded by love," jurors acquitted him of running a scam in which he and fellow IRS agent Emma Tanner charged thousands of dollars in clothing at Marshall Field's Galleria store, removed the price tags, placed them on clothes of lesser value, then turned them in for credit at the store's Town & Country location.
As long as thee both shall shop
Lori Flores and Sam Kircus, who as two kids from Pasadena wandered the romantic corridors of Gulfgate Mall, got married there -- in front of a crowd of holiday shoppers -- after marrying and divorcing other people.
Wayne's Bad Date, Part I
A misdemeanor charge against Wayne Dolcefino was dismissed after Donna Michelle Kresch, who alleged that he had assaulted her after she went home with him from a nightclub, failed to appear in court.
Wayne's Bad Date, Part II
After Dolcefino dined with Candace Caminati, a paralegal accused of
pilfering documents from John O'Quinn's law firm, they repaired to his townhouse -- where they were mugged in the driveway by two men who struck them repeatedly with a pistol.
You say toh-may-to, I say toh-mah-to
The Houston Police Patrolmen's Union (HPPU) sued its perennial spatting partner, the former Houston Police Officer's Association (HPOA), to block it from using its newly adopted name -- the Houston Police Officer's Union (HPOU) -- charging it was deceptively similar to the HPPU name and that the HPOU wasn't a recognized union.
Metro declined to offer them a free honeymoon trip
State Senator Jerry Patterson of Pasadena, author of the law that allows Texans the right to carry concealed handguns, married tax lawyer Jennifer Kowalik in the senate chamber, joking that his bride might wear a garter belt with a concealed handgun holster.