Just call her Dirty Harriet
Court testimony showed that HPD officer Lisa Allen warned a hysterical woman, who had just been freed from a gunpoint abduction, "You don't want to fuck with me, you don't know what kind of day I had," then choked the woman and hit her 15 times in the head with a flashlight.

She didn't know what kind of day he'd had
Ron Ducote, an Alief ISD police officer, was reassigned after complaints he roughed up a teenage track athlete who was leaning on a railing after completing her race, and who did not move quickly enough when he ordered the area cleared of spectators.

Heads we win, tails you lose
The Stop N Go convenience store chain took out life insurance policies on its workers without letting them know, then collected $250,000 whenever a worker was killed on company business -- money that sometimes funded legal battles against claims filed by the survivors.

Now he's interviewing for president of the Republic of Texas
Leon Excalibur Hooten III lured businessmen to pay him for letters of credit by claiming to be the ex-president of the Dominion of Melchizedek (a nonexistent island supposedly located in the South Pacific), with $25 million in assets from Melchizedek bonds and banks.

He didn't do anything they wouldn't have done in Melchizedek
After a jury found developer Kenneth Schnitzer guilty of bank fraud involving a property swap in the '80s by his failed savings and loan, eight prominent Houston businessmen filed a brief protesting the conviction, and Judge David Hittner decided to overrule the jury and acquit him.

Who says justice is dead?
Those cat-bashing teens from East Bernard -- the ones who clubbed a ballfield mascot to death with baseball bats -- were given probation for their crime, only to be summoned back to court when two of them were arrested for shoplifting snuff at Wal-mart.

(Please Mess with My) Toot Toot
Record producer Huey P. Meaux, whose last national hit was "(Don't Mess with My) Toot Toot," fled to Mexico after a raid on his Houston studio yielded more than 1,000 Polaroids showing Meaux in sexual encounters with girls as young as eight.

That's because he's never stayed at the EconoLodge
When Metro chairman Billy Burge was criticized for his lavish spending -- including stays at the Ritz-Carlton and traveling into the Virginia countryside to dine at L'Auberge Chez Francois and The Inn at Little Washington, the area's two top-rated restaurants -- he said in his defense that he was "not aware" that staying at the Ritz-Carlton might cost more than other hotels.

As may your expense account
Criticized for Metro's $630,000 buyout of its staff attorney's contract, Burge conceded that "it may be viewed as generous."

How can we miss you when you won't go away?
Although state law mandates that Burge's term as Metro chairman expired in May 1995, he refused -- with the collusion of county commissioners whose precincts had benefited from his reign -- to be dislodged from the post when County Judge Robert Eckels wanted to replace him.

Boss of the year
Robert Salazar claimed that his subordinate, Sandra Orellana, fell to her death from a hotel balcony where they were having sex on a California business trip. Salazar, who went to bed without reporting her fall, was questioned by L.A. police after simulations using a mannequin indicated her body should not have landed where it was found.

He shoots! He scores!
Ex-Rocket Vernon Maxwell, already appealing a jail sentence for flouting his court-ordered drug rehab program, was ordered to pay $1,350 a month to support an illegitimate child by one Houston woman and was sued by another for giving her genital herpes.

Crime & Punishment

I see a cast-iron pan ... I hear a sizzling noise ....
A west-side animal shelter asked a psychic to help recover ten purloined pot-bellied pigs.

He'd planned on hitting Sam Nuchia's house next
Jose Morales was allegedly helping himself to construction materials from an unfinished house just before dawn, only to be greeted by the shotgun-wielding next-door neighbor -- District Attorney Johnny Holmes.

High mileage
Houstonian Jesus Rodriguez was arrested in Roma after police found 30 packages of marijuana floating in the gas tank of his Ford Ranger.

He knew he should have chosen the "less dry" setting
Lynn Cardell Holland, dressed only in his underpants, was accosted by police while he waited for his clothes to cycle through the washer and dryer of the Montrose house he was burglarizing.

Mr. Holland, Calvin Klein for you on line one
The nearly naked Holland jumped through a window, barreled through a daycare playground full of three-year-olds, broke his elbow climbing a fence and was nabbed hiding under a deck; at Ben Taub's emergency room, still wearing only underpants, he fled into Hermann Park, where he was nabbed again.

After which imagemeistress Elyse Lanier chastised him for skewing our crime statistics

When Julio Martinez was spotted knocking out a window with a shovel, he fled to a nearby home, knocked down an 83-year-old woman and stole her car, went to his employer's house and stole a Camaro, wrecked that car, drove it into a Taco Cabana parking lot and was captured by customers and employees when he tried to steal a woman's van.

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