By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
By Jeff Balke
Our roving cultural ambassadors
The Houston-based Bandidos biker gang was suspected when anti-tank grenades damaged two Hells' Angels clubhouses in Denmark, part of a Scandinavian turf war that included a shootout at the Copenhagen airport, followed by a funeral at which attendees wore armbands reading, "God Forgives, Bandidos Don't."
Good thing they didn't have anti-tank grenades
Six Aeros players were arrested after a bar fight at Sam's Boat, during which they flung food at each other, progressed to baskets and chairs, then kicked, hit, punched and threw headlocks on policemen who tried to escort them from the club.
Somewhere, Lee Strasberg is laughing
Two nude Fort Bend teenagers told Houston police they were carjacking victims who had been robbed, stripped and stuffed in a car trunk; they turned out to be inept robbers who had abandoned their loot, gun and Jeep when convenience store employees gave chase.
Situation Normal, All Fouled Up
Good thing he didn't name it "Apocalypse Now"
Evangelist Loren Davis's DC-3 cargo plane, the "Chariot of Fire," belly-flopped onto the lawn of a Conroe residence and burned up; nobody was hurt.
Margareta Luna won a free visit from an exterminator and an entomologist when she wrote a letter to Combat, the roach bait manufacturers, claiming that "I have the worst roach problem in America." The experts estimated that there were 25,000 to 30,000 roaches in her house.
They're keeping mum about the open bag of Chee-tos
NASA inspectors found that the shuttle Atlantis had launched with two loose wrenches aboard: one inside a solid rocket booster and another on the floor of an engine compartment.
Either that, or very small Chee-tos
Unveiling photographs of microscopic segmented, tubelike shapes found in a meteorite, NASA scientists announced the squiggles might be evidence that there once was life on Mars.
They're flooding over a four-leaf clover
After the Sierra Club complained that clover was flourishing in the new wetlands the state had created to compensate for Grand Parkway construction, the Department of Transportation agreed to re-grade the area so it could retain rainwater.
Where are those $500 hammers when you need them?
Astronauts on the shuttle Columbia had to cancel two high-priority space walks when the airlock door jammed.
They thought polynomials were what Marvin Zindler's suits are made of
Ninety-two percent of the Houston high school students who took a new state algebra exam flunked it.
Prime suspect: David Adickes
Vandals tipped a 1,000-pound metal globe sculpture from its pedestal in
Jones Plaza and rolled it across Smith Street.
Walking on water doesn't count
Because of problems getting the ice to freeze, Southwestern Bell had to postpone the opening of its outdoor skating rink, "Miracle on Main Street."
Our Distinguished Visitors
Four Seasons fatwa
Ralph the Swimming Pig had his reservations canceled abruptly by the Four Seasons Hotel out of deference to a Muslim dignitary. The swine was taken in by the Crowne Plaza, where he was housed on the executive level, provided with a limo and given a red carpet to walk on each time he entered or exited the lobby.
If you've seen one country club, you've seen them all
At a charity benefit, iconic New York cabaret pianist Bobby Short repeatedly referred to the River Oaks Country Club as the Riverdale Country Club.
Actually, it's closer to Riverdale
The cable food show Dining Around, in a segment on Houston restaurants, gave the address of Tony's as 1801 Post Oak in Seabrook.
He left out the last line: "You 12 nitwits."
In front of cheering parishioners at Pleasant Grove Baptist Church, O.J. Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran gave a 20-minute sermon in which he quoted James Baldwin, Charles Dickens, the Book of Jeremiah and himself ("If it doesn't fit, you must acquit").
Vernon Maxwell and the entire Aeros hockey squad pitched in for bail
St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Donovan Osborne was handcuffed and charged with public intoxication and trespassing when he refused to leave the Roxy nightclub at 2:05 a.m.
The runners-up were Warren Moon and Huey Meaux
Much-married Houston native Kenny Rogers, nearly as famous for talking dirty on the telephone as he is for his singing career, was honored by the city as an Outstanding Houstonian after a Jones Hall concert.
Would they take Ken Hoffman, too?
The wayward manatee rescued from Buffalo Bayou after spitting up a plastic-wrapped head of lettuce was flown to a Florida wildlife park, where she was welcomed by seven other manatees and dined on cabbage.
But they were really surprised when he spit up a plastic-wrapped head of lettuce
When customs officers at Houston Intercontinental x-rayed the stomach of a nervous, heavily sweating passenger, they discovered he had swallowed 3.4 pounds of heroin divided into two-inch pellets as thick as a finger.