Make mine static
Channel 13, airing nothing but static and fuzz after its transmitter went out for 20 minutes, still beat Channel 51's news and Channel 8's documentary, The Joy of Stress, in that time period.

But only if Clyde Wilson plays Percy Foreman
Donna Mills, the aging Knots Landing babe, announced that she'd like to play the late Houston socialite/presumptive murderess Candace Mossler in a TV miniseries.

Suspicions confirmed
Chronicle columnist Thom Marshall confessed that the few times he had attempted to keep a journal, he gave it up "because it seemed like there wasn't much to say. Nothing exciting happened to write about."

Make mine static, Part II
Channel 51's Thanksgiving morning special, filmed in anchorwoman Donna Rusch's small house, featured the culinarily clueless hostess fixing dinner, co-host Doug Johnson jumping out of an airplane, an indigestion expert and a sports report on how to watch football all day undisturbed.

But if he'd accused the guy's mom of wearing army boots, that would have been another matter

A jury ruled that disc jockey Lanny Griffith was wrongfully fired by KLOL after he did a live commercial with an advertiser during which he kidded the man about his wife sleeping around and having loose morals.

Your Government at Work

He has more in common with LBJ than he knows
Novice candidate Michael Bunch, labeling incumbent state Representative Diana Davila "a wild liberal," sent out fliers exhorting his would-be constituents to "Vote a Bunch."

Michael Bunch wishes he'd thought of that
Democratic state Representative Kenneth Yarbrough's two-bedroom home in the Heights was listed in county records as home to 14 other registered voters, including his three adult children, his companion's two adult children, her former son-in-law, her mother and six miscellaneous adults -- most of whom voted regularly in Democratic primaries, although they received mail at addresses in other districts.

Try asking Kathy Whitmire and Sylvester Turner
After Mayor Bob Lanier got lost in his notes while trying to persuade NFL owners to promise Houston another football team, one owner wondered aloud, "How did that guy get elected?"

He's hoping we won't find out what he said about Lady Bird
Foes unearthed evidence that Republican congressional candidate Ron Paul had called Jack Kemp "a malicious jerk," George Bush a "bum" and the late Barbara Jordan "a fraud."

Kenneth Starr, call your office
Jack Cherry, a Democrat who wanted to succeed Steve Stockman, complained that the congressman had improperly spent about $48 in campaign contributions on haircuts and dry-cleaning.

She had to cancel her joint trapeze act with the mayor of Moscow
City councilwoman Helen Huey broke her leg while serving as a target at a
dunking contest.

It was her Zen-like calm that fooled them
Huey, who is of Lebanese, Native American and European extraction, was mistakenly listed in a national directory of Asian elected officials.

Her colleagues are just opting for "Bubba" teeth
After a Council study team decided to visit topless clubs, adult book stores and peep shows incognito, Huey, mulling possible disguises, told a reporter, "You've just never seen me in leather, have you?"

As if Helen Huey in leather weren't enough to discourage patrons
Among the measures suggested to Council for cracking down on topless clubs were requiring dancers to remain six feet away from the nearest customer, eliminating tall chairs that obscure lewd conduct and requiring dancers to perform behind Plexiglas barriers.

The NRA loved him
Tom Kelley, Republican nominee for the state Senate, was discovered to be an ex-con who served time for two 1960 armed holdups.

Get thee behind me, Clinton
Roland Elledge, Republican candidate for Harris County tax assessor-collector, said he had emerged from bankruptcy in the '80s with two good things: "First, I found my Lord Jesus Christ, and second, I pledged to work as hard as I could for the rest of my life to defeat Democrats."

On Saturdays, they attend Temple Emanu El
Dwayne Bohac, a Republican candidate for state representative, solicited Catholic votes with a campaign letter identifying him as a "pioneer member" of St. Ambrose Catholic Church, even though another piece of his campaign literature identified him and his wife as "active members of Second Baptist Church."

Calling Dr. Freud
After city Controller Lloyd Kelley called Councilman Joe Roach "a little hypocrite," Roach, who is a dwarf, called Kelley "not man enough" to fill his office in a professional manner.

He thought everyone's working conditions were like his own
An unflattering profile of his boss prompted Congressman Steve Stockman's spokesman, Corey Birenbaum, to write to the author, Houstonian Mimi Swartz, telling her she got her job at Texas Monthly "for reasons I would refuse to speculate upon in polite society. (Hope your knees have healed up nicely.)"

They don't call him "Honest Phil" for nothing
After Phil Gramm touted his IRA plan at a kitchen-table meeting crowded with three Bellaire couples, six photographers and two reporters, the senator's spokeswoman claimed the get-together was totally unrelated to his re-election campaign.

And nix the beard
Visiting judge Pat Lykos told an Orthodox Jew to remove his skullcap or he wouldn't be allowed to testify as an expert witness.

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