Having already cornered the market in bullshit
Former Rhodesian prime minister Ian Smith, whose opposition to black voting rights led to a decade-long civil war, complained during a Houston visit to purchase bull semen that he has been unfairly characterized as a racist.

That's what we mean by "zero tolerance," Yankee!
The Allen House apartment rented by New York actor Tim Williams during a stint at the Alley was raided by the HPD, who discovered a spirited game of musical chairs in progress.

But they were really disappointed when he sang "Horse with No Name"
Channel 13 staffers excitedly donned Hawaiian shirts to commemorate a visit by Don Ho, but were crestfallen when the balladeer showed up in a dark blue blazer and turtleneck.

At least they hadn't worn their Hawaiian shirts
Goldie Hawn, shooting a TV movie in League City, disappointed a houseful of invited guests at Solero, downtown's trendiest of the trendy, when she failed to show for her dinner reservation.

Where the flavor du jour was Frozen Nut Brittle
Over 1,200 nudists descended on the Live Oak Resort northwest of Houston for a convention that included an ice-skating party and a trip to the Blue Bell ice cream factory.

Sorta like Houston City Council
Mexico's former attorney general, Mario Ruiz Massieu, left town $7.9 million poorer after a Houston jury decided the U.S. government could confiscate most of the $9 million he kept in a Houston bank -- although Massieu claimed the money came from political payoffs, not drug payoffs, saying "Mexico has a very unique system."

Those Inventive Houstonians

He thinks he can; he thinks he can't...
Woodlands-based Zonagen's shares leaped 40 percent in value after the biotech company released tests showing its Vasomax product was effective in treating male impotence -- then tumbled after a short-seller predicted it would never gain federal approval.

If Eckhard Pfeiffer answers, hang up
After Aerial Communications, a wireless phone company, bought naming rights to the new concert venue at Bayou Place, they planned to install mobile phones hanging from the ceiling in place of the usual pay phones.

Coming next year: a giant Aerial wireless phone
Houstonians Ginny Galtney and Diane Marks appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show modeling their respective coiffures from the Hair Ball -- a six-foot-wide replica of the Astrodome and a four-foot-high Prince's Hamburgers sign.

Just get me past Joe Jamail
An enterprising attorney and accountant launched a concierge service at the downtown court complex -- offering valet parking, office space and services, mediation, escorts for befuddled or intimidated clients and witnesses, plus catered meals and entertainment.

Fine, but can we use them along White Oak Bayou?
Two Rice University archaeologists placed giant, concrete-hard termite mounds built of saliva-soaked particles around a West African dig site threatened by torrential rains and flooding.

The Elmer Wayne Henley model is forthcoming
Houston fashion design student Vanessa Meades won a scholarship for her ecru shantung ball gown featuring zippered, roll-down panels of old master paintings reproduced on cotton Lycra stretch fabric.

And "Proud Mary" looping endlessly on the sound system
Houston artist Dean Ruck announced plans for a Sesquicentennial Park project that will regale visitors with steamboat whistles, thrashing paddle-wheel effects and a big bubble in the bayou that will release large volumes of compressed air, simulating riverboat turbulence.

Their Dean Ruck special effects were really convincing
During the Houston mayoral race, it was revealed that Rob Mosbacher's barge company, Hollywood Marine, once avoided city property taxes by claiming the landlocked west Texas town of Ozona as its home port.

But they nixed Aerial as the official state telephone
A Texas House committee named buckminsterfullerene, the so-called "buckyballs" discovered by Rice University's Nobel prizewinners, the official state molecule.

They left out a "chip-your-own Chupacabra party"
A Chronicle story on "101 Things to Do When It Hits 101 Degrees" suggested keeping your underwear in the freezer; floating flowers frozen in ice cubes in your bath water; wearing only diamonds or jewelry in white, pale blue and frosted tones; and having a huge block of ice delivered to your home, then inviting neighbors in for a chip-your-own daiquiri party.

Out, damned spot
Metro came up with a flashy fare card covered in designer leopard spots -- which obscured two crucial white spaces, preventing the fare box from reading the magnetic code.

Who says the gods don't have a sense of humor?
Longtime morals activist Geneva Kirk Brooks proposed that the city create a red light district.

Begging the question, superior to what?
After mayoral chief of staff Jimmie Schindewolf had a brainstorm while at the supermarket, his Public Works Department floated a plan to bottle Houston city water and market it nationally under the name "Superior Water."

Along with a microcassette eulogy by Sheila Jackson Lee
The ashes of LSD guru Timothy Leary and Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry were shot into space aboard a Pegasus rocket on the "founder's flight" of a commercial funeral service offered by Houston-based Celestis Inc.

Crime and Punishment

Well, possession is nine-tenths of the law
When a cop asked Kerri V. Goode, who had been stopped for speeding just after a holdup at Texas Commerce Gulfgate, what the big envelope stuffed with cash was doing on her front seat, she replied, "It's mine. I just robbed a bank."

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