Our Roving Ambassadors

Your next assignment, should you choose to accept it: Neutralize Drayton McLane

Heart surgeon Michael DeBakey interceded with the Kremlin to help liberate the Romanov jewels -- held hostage in a van hemmed in by Russian diplomatic vehicles -- in time for an MFA exhibit.

Dear Lee: Feeling a little homesick....
HPD alumnus Tom Koby did not exactly distinguish himself as Boulder police chief, thanks to the bungled investigation of Jon Benet Ramsey's murder, still unsolved after more than a year.

Tom Koby offered her a shoulder to cry on
Nude video artiste Farrah Fawcett posed for Playboy wearing bubble wrap; turned 50; broke up with longtime housemate Ryan O'Neal, who had taken up with a 24-year-old; was accused of destroying another actress's clothes in a squabble over a new man; made a bizarrely addled appearance on David Letterman; and was reported to have created a disturbance on a cross-country airplane flight.

The one on her butt read "Free Kingwood"
Jennifer Miriam of Kingwood made history by becoming the first Playboy centerfold to sport three tattoos.

Calling all unemployed special projects coordinators
Alex Kanakis resigned as special projects coordinator for the Harris County Attorney's office shortly after his nude photo was published in a Playgirl pictorial titled "Calling All Real Men."

Hey, good idea!
After a judge briefly granted a mistrial in the marathon New Orleans breast-implant case, citing a Houston attorney's courtroom eyeball-rolling and gestures of exasperation and disbelief, John O'Quinn defended his colleague by saying that to prevent such common conduct, "you'd have to practically put everybody in a straitjacket."

John O'Quinn on the line for Ms. Smith
Houston's favorite widow was the subject of tabloid headlines that screamed "Anna Nicole's Boobs Explode -- Again!"

Please do
Unemployed store clerk Roy Eugene Porter told the Sally Jessy Raphael show he'd use his $10 million Texas lottery jackpot to help a troubled Canadian boy he had seen on the show -- then, when his claim proved false, Porter said, "I found Sally Jessy Raphael to be a snob. I'm switching back to Oprah."

We're shocked, shocked!
Houston IRS agent Jennifer Long caused a national furor when she testified before a Senate committee that she knew of five cases in which people being investigated by the IRS had committed suicide; that she had been directed to meet collections quotas even if it meant fabricating evidence; and that low-income people -- some too poor to afford air conditioning -- were targeted for audits.

Drayton McLane & Bud Adams know the feeling
Rockets owner Les Alexander expressed puzzlement over the firestorm of hostility that erupted over his ill-fated plan to buy the Edmonton Oilers hockey team, saying, "I've never walked into a meeting where I felt people hated me who haven't even met me yet."

Our money is not on those poor elks
In a campaign to extend his cattle operation onto Utah state land where environmentalists would prefer elks to graze, oilman Oscar Wyatt accused the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, the Nature Conservancy, the Utah Department of Natural Resources and the Bureau of Land Management of "nefarious activity" and "conspiracy," and urged supporters to help "put a few in jail."

Chupacabras would have been better
Marshall Herff Applewhite, onetime University of St. Thomas music teacher, persuaded 39 followers of his Heaven's Gate cult to down a lethal cocktail of barbiturates and vodka in the belief that they would be whisked to a higher plane by a UFO arriving in the wake of the Hale-Bopp Comet.

He was angling for Rob Johnson's job
Channel 11 reporter Jeff McShan wound up in a body brace during a Lake Tahoe skiing trip -- when he broke his neck sliding down a hill on a garbage-can lid.

Our Esteemed Neighbors

But can we slide down it on garbage-can lids?
A proposed landfill in Beach City would create a 15-story mountain of industrial waste, making it the highest point in Chambers County.

And if that doesn't work out, we'll consider a 15-story mountain of industrial waste

Noting that numerous pro basketballers already live in Fort Bend County, Missouri City offered the Houston Rockets a 300-acre site on which to build a new arena.

Maybe the kids could just leave town entirely
The Splendora City Council, which previously imposed a nighttime curfew on minors under 16, added a daytime curfew as well.

Penny wise, pow! foolish
Conroe convenience-store owner Attique "Ed" Ahmad got a year in federal prison for pumping 4,690 gallons of bad gasoline into the city's sewer system, thus saving $5,000 -- and creating the equivalent of an eight-mile pipe bomb.

And you can't even slide down it on garbage-can lids
Residents of the Brazoria County town of Guy had to give up barbecuing and other outdoor activities because of a stench from biosolid municipal waste -- otherwise known as sludge from human excrement -- that was spread on nearby fields by a Hockley company.

Instead she'll take over the Houston Image Campaign sweepstakes
A Cut and Shoot woman gave up her scheme to award her school-supply stores to the winner of an essay contest, because only 150 people paid the $100 entry fee.

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