Death Be Not Pricey

Claire does about 500 funerals a year, or about four times what he expected when he opened in 1996. He had found a niche, he said. Most funeral homes are priced for the rich, and most people are not rich.

"See what I'm saying? You don't need to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on this hole to satisfy your grief."

One of these days, Lambert is sure, the forces within the SCI tower will be dispatched to destroy him. There will be a "showdown," and Lambert will do his Christian duty. And sometime after that -- could be days, could be years -- "My Lord will say, 'Hey, Ken, it's time.' "

An obituary recounting the many good deeds of Ken Lambert will run to $300. Beyond that, Lambert will save a bundle. Jim Claire will cremate him for $595. The "cremains" of a veteran will get a free niche in the VA cemetery. The flag will replace flowers, which will save $150. The American Legion will fire a 21-gun salute, and his wife will finally appreciate Funeral Shoppers.

About the time that everyone is sitting down at Luby's, Lambert will be getting the first taste of his reward. Having battled so hard against the funeral dragon, having promised to let his business die if it isn't profitable by January, Sir Ken suffers a recurring nightmare about heaven:

There will be 200 years of work waiting for him, and no peace, no eternal rest.

That's the dream, just a dream. In Ken Lambert's reality, he'll be surrounded by all the people whose money he saved. They'll all tell him he really made a difference. "And I'll say, 'Hey, great -- good to see you!' "

E-mail Randall Patterson at randall_patterson@houstonpress.com.