By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
What to Say When Joan Rivers Asks, How Do You Divide Your Household Expenses?
"I said: I pay for nothing. He pays for everything.
"The audience perked up.
"Joan pressed on. What about personal items, like your clothes and makeup? she asked. He pays, I replied. What about Christmas presents and birthday gifts for members of your family? she followed up. He pays, I replied. No matter what specific expense she questioned me about, my answer remained the same. The rule is simple, I explained, and it operates twelve months a year, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day: Whatever the expense is, he pays.
"The audience cheered wildly...."
How to Justify Your Secret Stash
"I know that some of you will cringe at the idea of squirreling money away in a secret place, feeling as if you would be committing an act of deceit. Honesty is the very foundation of a good marriage, you want to tell me, and you and your husband do not keep secrets from each other.
"Well, I say to you, God bless and good luck. I would have said the same thing of my relationship with Robert Mosbacher. And, like millions of women before me, I was proven wrong."
How to Establish Said Stash
"So much for the philosophical underpinnings of the secret stash. Now let's get down and dirty about exactly how you come up with the money in the first place.
"To paraphrase the poet Robert Browning, let me count the ways:
"*Siphon off a part of your paycheck...
"*Divert raises and bonuses...
"*Skim from your allowance...
"*Hoard small change..."
How to Get Property in Your Name, and Your Name Only
"I was careful to pick the most propitious times to talk to Robert when I wanted to make a change in the way we listed ownership of some important asset. I'd wait for a vulnerable moment -- say, after a friend's husband had just died -- so I could use that event as a fresh example of why I was so determined to protect myself.... When I wanted to switch ownership of the New York apartment from both of our names to my name only, for instance, I talked about how unprotected I'd felt as a child after my father died, and, as a result, how important it was to my emotional well-being to have the security of a home of my own and to know that no one could ever take it away from me."
Liquid Assets Are a Girl's Best Friend
"Although the nitty-gritty details of a divorce settlement differ from couple to couple, there is one cardinal rule, applicable to every woman, that you must understand as you enter full-blown settlement negotiations....
"The Number One Rule: CASH IS KING!"
Divorcing Rich Is Better Than Divorcing Poor
"Cash is cold comfort under these circumstances. But make no mistake about it: It is some comfort."
Remember: Georgette Shall Rise Again
"I'm still scared sometimes. After all, a lot of things have changed in the fifteen-odd years since I was last single. I'm not twenty-five years old anymore; I'm not even thirty-five; I'm fifty years old and the thought of dating again is terrifying....
"My goal for many years was to spend the rest of my life happily married to Robert Mosbacher, and that goal has been shattered. What hasn't been shattered is the greater goal: to share my life with someone who values me and whom I value in return."
Don't Let Smoke Get In Your Eyes: Part III
"[E]ach of my three husbands requested that I sign a prenup spelling out our financial responsibilities to each other and how our assets would be divided in case we divorced. I readily admit that I found the whole process distasteful, but I understood why they thought it was necessary. And now that I have considerable assets of my own, I also will ask for a prenuptial agreement if I ever choose to marry again.