Booty Call

BUTT-NEKKID WOMEN! The Miss HOODE Nude Showdown Classic and Ms. Bomb-Ass Houston Bikini Classic will feature nothing but scantily clad and/or completely nude women shaking what God (and maybe a few plastic surgeons) gave them for big bucks. But before you get too excited about the ultimate freakazoid fantasy, the creator of the first annual event wants to set the record straight: "First of all, to clarify things, it's not a big Freaknic free-for-all, with everybody coming there with condoms, screwing each other," says Damon Lowell, referring to last weekend's notorious Atlanta spring break party for black college students. The Miss Hoode contest, by contrast, is "actually gonna be a show."

Twenty-seven-year-old Lowell is the Houston-born entrepreneur who recently launched the manly apparel line HOODE (Hood Opposing Oppression and Demanding Equality) Urban Athletics. What better way to interest male consumers, he thought, than with a bodacious, bare-bodied beauty battle. But Lowell still insists this spectacle won't be in the crude, raunchy vein of a 2 Live Crew video. "It's gonna be done in class and with tact," he says. "I don't think anybody's gonna be saying that we exploited these women."

Girls, if you buy that, Lowell is looking for 20 to 50 contestants to compete in swimsuit, lingerie and dance competitions (plus hot oil and whipped cream applications in the Nude Showdown). Celebrity and handpicked audience judges will eliminate all but ten contestants, who will be asked a couple of Miss America-esque questions. The woman with the highest score wins $10,000, second place gets $2,500, and third prize is $1,500. (If you keep your bikini on, you can win only $1,000.) But Lowell says all the contestants will walk away with some money -- men will be allowed to tip contestants.

Contestant qualifications are pretty simple: all the right parts in all the right places. "You don't have to look like Halle Berry or Carmen Electra to get in this event. We're not looking for the most beautiful woman ... [or] the most voluptuous woman. We're looking for the most energetic, outgoing and innovative young lady to win this contest," Lowell says. "We haven't said no to anybody -- except one transsexual."

-- Craig D. Lindsey

Miss HOODE will be crowned Sunday, April 25, 7:30 p.m., at the International Ballroom, 14035 South Main. Call (713)629-3700 for tickets, $20 ($40 at the door; women get in free). To enter either competition, call (281)704-8861 or just show up at the International Ballroom by 6 p.m.