Pain in the Ass

Tringali, in his response, quickly took the moral high ground. "If Mr. Botts had the vehicle inspected at another station with an existing leak, that is fine," sniffed Tringali, "but we will not take part in such practices."

Months later Todd Hayes managed to discover the general manager of that store selling $1,600 in unnecessary repairs. Hayes promptly fired the manager and returned the money. Whether other victims received reparations, or whether Eric Botts received an apology, Hayes did not say.

---

The complaints in the BBB file languished unanswered, Hayes explained, because the BBB did not notify ASS the complaints were there. This, pronounced the BBB's Dan Parsons, is "the lamest excuse I have ever heard," and he presented paperwork showing that ASS had been notified repeatedly.

Giving Hayes the benefit of the doubt, we decided to research the company ourselves. In the Grand Marquis, we traveled from one ASS to another undetected, because ASS, as modern as it appears, does not have a central computer database for vehicle information.

In every ASS, we found clean men in clean, well-lit offices, the walls adorned by few signs of professional qualification. "An oasis," according to ASS literature, "in a land of dark, dingy and intimidating repair shops."

We wandered in, typically, complaining that the "check engine" light had come on, and our Grand Marquis was running kind of rough. When the question came, what did we mean by that, we explained, she's just not purring, you know, and how much would it cost to make her right? The good people of ASS would smile then and ask us to sign a piece of paper.

"Never never never -- 16 nevers," Ray had said. "Never leave your car at a repair shop without a signed work order." Thus, we signed these papers, even after Ray pointed out the papers were blank. "This is how you get taken to the cleaners," he said.

Beyond appearance, every ASS seemed to operate according to its own standards. What you get seems to depend on where you go. The store on Dairy Ashford was the only ASS to diagnose the problem without computer testing. Over the telephone, the manager gave an estimate of $386, and when we arrived to retrieve the car, the clerk said a mechanic was already working on it.

"What?"

"Well, I can have him put it back together if you want."

"Yes, do."

He sputtered. He offered the 90-days-same-as-cash financing plan. He told us we would damage our car driving this way, which, according to Ray, was not true in the case of the Marquis. We held fast. Relenting, he looked upon us finally as a doctor would the parents who won't give their baby the medicine she so desperately needs.

As Mobile Car Care, the ASS on Mason Farm Road was the single branch that ever belonged to the Better Business Bureau. When the membership was terminated, the bureau sent a certified letter requesting the return of its plaque. To this day, the plaque remains displayed on the wall.

We told general manager Craig Baldwin about our misbehaving Grand Marquis. He shook his head and said, "That fine car?" And sometime later we received an estimate of $897.87 to fix the problem. What the problem was, however, was not exactly clear. The estimate called justly for replacing the spark plugs and the spark plug wires. But for $292.57, it also called for a new PCV valve, a new air filter, a new fuel filter and a throttle body service.

The air and fuel filters on the car were already new, said Ray. The other repairs were unnecessary.

"Either they're being dishonest and not diagnosing the problem," Ray said, "or they're incompetent. I'll let you be the judge of that."

Craig Baldwin charged $85 for a computer diagnosis and returned our car with a smile.

The ASS on Greenbriar also recommended plugs and wires, and a throttle body service and new fuel filter, too. All of this for $673.96. We were charged the $85 diagnosis fee there, too, and it wasn't until we left that we realized they had done us the kindness of installing a new battery. The battery was neither unwrapped nor bolted down, and the staff, when we inquired, couldn't adequately explain how it got there. The old battery was fine, but we remain grateful for the new one.

"It's just scary to see the range of prices for this repair," said Ray. And the service continued to vary. The Holcombe store, after its recent overhaul, efficiently located the problem in the plugs and wires, and offered an estimate of $524 to fix it. Then we went to Webster, to the ASS on Highway 3, where prices seem to fluctuate from day to day.

A clerk named Lynn Gegnieux had a mechanic take a look. New plugs and wires were called for, the fuel filter and air filter, and also, quite rightly, a coolant flush. This would cost about $500, which wasn't bad by ASS standards.

But when we came the next day to get the car, we found the general manager, Von Chryer, had sought a second opinion from a different mechanic. Von presented an estimate of $1,014.92. "I updated it," he explained. In the update, the price of eight spark plugs jumped from $28 to $112. It had also been decided that, at $300 a set, the car needed new coils.

Really?