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Psychedelic Cheeseburger

For serious meat-on-a-bun surfers

A tentative attempt to pick it up reveals that the bottom bun is dangerously squishy. If I just go for it, I figure it will fall apart within three bites. At home, I wouldn't worry about it. But one of the drawbacks of eating at the bar is that your table manners are on display. So I eat a few french fries while I consider the engineering problem.

I decide to go with the divide-and-conquer strategy. By pushing down on the airy bun and compressing the bread, bacon and lettuce, I reduce the height by a good inch. Then I cut the whole thing down the middle. Picking up a more manageable half-burger, I turn it upside down, so that the sodden lower bun is now supported by the rest of the burger. This solves most of the logistical problems. The burger, however, is so moist that juice runs between my fingers as I eat it. But I am unable to stop. Once the flavors and textures of hot, juicy, medium-rare beef, crunchy bacon, crisp and pungent onion, gooey melted cheese and cold, wet tomato hit my mouth, they create a sensory overload that alters my mind. My inhibitions and my sense of propriety melt away. This is a psychedelic bacon cheeseburger.

"You're going to miss me when I'm gone," Roky sings. And he is right. I do miss the whole 13th Floor Elevators, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix era. It was a time of unabashed self-indulgence, unrestrained enthusiasm and magnificent excess. Unfortunately for the survivors, this ten-year binge was followed by a 20-year hangover cure of low-cholesterol foods, aerobic exercises and alcohol-free beverages.

At roughly three and a half inches tall, the Rudyard's burger is more than a mouthful.
Troy Fields
At roughly three and a half inches tall, the Rudyard's burger is more than a mouthful.

Location Info

Map

Rudyard's

2010 Waugh
Houston, TX 77006

Category: Bars and Clubs

Region: Montrose

Details

(713)521-0521 Kitchen opens daily at 5 p.m. and closes around 11 p.m.

Bacon cheeseburger: $6.50
Spaten Oktoberfest: $4
Roky Erickson on the jukebox: Priceless

2010 Waugh Drive

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In this era of abstinence and self-discipline, Rudyard's bacon cheeseburger is a flashback, a return to the sybaritic good old days. It is an out-of-control, over-the-top combination of too many ingredients in a spectacular but impractical package. This is not a food experience for everybody. If you are mostly vegetarian, allergic to smoke, wearing your best dress or trying to cut down, you better get a bite somewhere else. But for serious meat-on-a-bun surfers, this is a mandatory exercise. Gloriously self-destructive by its very design, it should be eaten with complete disregard to dribbles, stains or table manners while a Roky Erickson song plays on the jukebox.

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