Advantage: MILFs

From childhood, PE teachers encourage us to develop healthy lifestyles, in part by introducing us to "lifetime sports." What is a lifetime sport? Not football or bungee jumping, because, face it: At some point we're bound to snap in half. Lifetime sports are what you can play until your great-grandchildren bury you with your equipment -- sports like tennis. This week, lifetime players will take to the courts at the Houston Racquet Club for the United States Tennis Association National Senior Women's Clay Court Championships. Competitors will play in both singles and doubles tournaments in age divisions ranging from 35 to 85. Yes, those divisions span the eras from Richard Nixon to Woodrow Wilson. But for those of you who think that the thrill of victory dissolves with eligibility for Medicare, take note: People who've been grown-ups for longer than you've been alive don't just do these sorts of things for fun, sonny. There is real prize money involved, and winners will also receive "coveted gold, silver and bronze balls" awarded by the USTA. What, no brass? Noon to 6 p.m. Monday, March 8; 8:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. Tuesday, March 9, through Sunday, March 14. Houston Racquet Club, 10709 Memorial Drive. For information, call 713-464-4811. Free. -- Eric Norvell

Can't Drive 55?

Okay, we can't condone it, but we know some of y'all love to drag race. We see you on the Richmond Strip, gunning it from light to light. We see you getting chased off, time and time again, by the cops on Rankin Road. We understand your need for speed, and we don't even think your love for fast cars has anything to do with the size of your genitals. But if you're gonna put the pedal to the metal, why not race in a controlled environment at Houston Raceway Park's Safe Street Nights? The five-o will stay off your back, and you can have your time and speed recorded by professionals. 5 p.m. to 10:45 p.m. Fridays. 2525 FM 565 South in Baytown. For information, call 281-383-RACE or visit www.houstonraceway.com. $8 for spectators; $15 for car and driver. -- Keith Plocek