Bye-Bye Bongs?

Tubing without beer bongs? Why?

Going tubing in New Braunfels is a time-honored Texas tradition, but like all Texas traditions that involve actual fun, it's a bit under fire these days.

Authorities have come up with lots of ways to cut down on excessive drinking, and now they're taking on America's high-tech upgrade to that endeavor: the beer bong. New Braunfels City Councilman Ken Valentine has proposed an ordinance banning the device.

Luckily for frat boys and anyone else who wants to see wasted coeds flashing in the 30 seconds before they barf egregiously, the movers and shakers of the Hill Country town aren't that enthusiastic about the idea. Valentine defends his plan:

Boners for Books
Boners for Books

Q. Do you have a lot of support?

A. I gotta tell you, I'm out there like Erin Brockovich. I'm not getting a lot of help. And the reason for that is that I think we love the sinners' money more than the sinners' bad behavior. We can wink at these problems and [say] "it's just the bitchy people who live along the river that want to have a private river."

Q. Why the beer bong? Can't you get just as drunk without one?

A. The beer bong is an icon of competitive and perhaps theater drinking…The theater that I see is like the gladiators, and they've got the lion. And just as the gladiator's going to stick the lion, that's when the girl puts the funnel in her mouth and they pour the beer down and all these people are out there yelling and screaming, "Take it off, get drunk, show me your breasts."

[Pause here to deal with the mental confusion of picturing a lion with a funnel in its mouth and a gladiator ripping off his metal plate to show his tits. Pause again to wonder if anyone ever really yells, "Get drunk," even at a frat party.]

Q. Aren't you afraid you're just going to come off looking like some crotchety old guy?

A. I'm 61. There's always that issue.

Hurry Up and Wait

New mayor Bill White comes from the business world, where executive fiats get listened to. He's enduring a bit of a learning curve at City Hall.

White introduced a proposed ordinance April 13 to force rental car companies to pay the $1.2 million in unpaid parking tickets their customers had racked up since 1992. The thought somehow didn't appeal to them.

Lawyers for the rental car companies pleaded for time to come up with a compromise. "Give us 30 days to begin discussions to see if we can address these issues," attorney Jim Lemond said.

Hmmm…Thirty days. To begin discussions. To see if the negotiators can even address the issue.

White balked and told the lawyers they had two hours to work out a deal. "There's nothing worthwhile in life that takes 30 days to do if people get on it," he said (on his 103rd day as mayor of a still traffic-plagued city, but that's apparently another story).

It was a noble enough sentiment, but nowhere did it contain the words "billable hours."

The two sides met but came up with no changes to the proposed law.

White decided to go ahead with a vote, but Councilman Michael Berry tagged it, delaying matters for a week.

A compromise is expected to be worked out. Slowly.

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John Pisciotta, a Baylor University economics professor, is walking tall these days. He's brought the Girl Scouts to their knees.

Pisciotta was livid that the Waco chapter of the Scouts was partnering with a cabal of Satan-worshiping Wiccans known as…Planned Parenthood! And then, he says, his lividness "reached a little bit higher level this year with the Girl Scouts designating the CEO of Planned Parenthood a 'Woman of Distinction.' And gave her that honor."

Not shocked yet? "And then there's this," he says. "The collaboration is a Girl Scout co-sponsorship of a local sex education program called 'Nobody's Fool.' And that had been going on for nine years!"

Nine years that have turned Waco into the fetid cesspool of freewheeling kinky sex that it is now known to be, a place where members of the opposite sex can even dance with each other and -- on nights when the moon is full and Beelzebub is nigh -- hold hands. Without shame!

Pisciotta quickly moved to do what any God-fearing Baylor economics professor would do: He organized a cookie boycott.

So what did this involve -- haranguing 11-year-old girls ringing the doorbell to sell Thin Mints?

"No, no…I had printed up a little card, and what we were going to do was, if a parent came with the child, that we were going to say, 'I'm not buying this year,' and to hand the parent that information card."

Pisciotta ended up on the Today show, and the local chapter rescinded the partnership that had spawned such diabolical schemes as exposing seventh-grade girls to It's Perfectly Normal, a sex-ed book endorsed by Ann Landers and T. Berry Brazelton. "It's a pretty outrageous book!" Pisciotta says.

And thus ends all premarital sex in Waco. At least they still have the Dr Pepper museum to keep the kids occupied.

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