Okay, dudes, here's the scoop: Mikki Chernoff, H-town's favorite former Playboy model, is splitting from husband No. 2. And along with a group of similarly enhanced sirens, the single 34-year-old with 34D cups will take the stage at the Memorial Day bikini contest on Galveston's East Beach. "I'm a little older now," she says, "so I'm the host of the show. And I have all my fresh, shiny mates as the distractions, my Vanna Whites." Chernoff, who says her body was born in Britain but her boobs were made in the U.S., shows up in Galveston five or six times each summer with her accomplices. They lure various audience members up on stage for goofy stunts, and at the end of the year, one lucky dude gets an onstage hot tub session while the ladies feed him caviar and champagne.
Now that Chernoff is single again, we thought it'd be best to tell y'all what kind of guy she's looking for. "I want someone who is there no matter what, who will stand by you even when you're ill and with no makeup on," she says. "He's in it for the long haul."
Chernoff also says a new reality show starring her and her entourage is past the planning stages and being pitched to a couple of cable networks (let's hope one of them is Cinemax). And the girls have just wrapped up a new Christmas DVD that is, she says, "perfect masturbation fodder for 15-year-olds." The bikini contest kicks off at 4 p.m. Sunday, May 30. 1923 Boddeker Drive. For information, call 409-762-3278. $7. -- Greg Barr
The Magnolia Bar's Magnolia martini
The afternoon at the sperm bank was a grueling experience. I felt spent, light-headed and in need of a stiff cocktail. I stumbled up the stairs of the Hotel Magnolia (1100 Texas Avenue, 713-221-0011), feeling as bad as I did this past New Year's Day. I flopped down on the barstool and looked up to see Roger the bartender placing a napkin in front of me. "I'll take your house martini, shaken hard, and fast." He went to business making the drink, and I looked around the place. The group of suits at the bar looked about as exciting as an octogenarian's Shriners convention. A girl in flip-flops and a pair of cutoffs showed up from around the corner with an empty glass and an unspoken invitation. Two sips later I found myself in the billiards room watching her and her friends shoot pool and smoke like chimneys. I sat in the corner, hoping I wouldn't slide off the barstool. The girl from the bar couldn't sink a ball if it was lying on her chin, but I was more interested in the tattoo at the small of her back that wiggled every time she stretched across the table. Waiters showed up with trays of funky happy-hour feed like smoked trout and miniature crab cakes, but I had no appetite. I stayed for four more drinks and headed home to bed.
2 ounces Smirnoff Citrus Twist vodka
Splash of cranberry juice
Splash of sweet-and-sour mix
Measure out vodka and juice into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake until ice crystals appear, then strain into martini glass. Avoid driving tractors, large SUVs and assorted farm equipment after ingesting. -- J.W. Crooker
What's Your Sign?
The H-town hip-hop scene is alive and well, thanks in part to the boys of Premature Thoughts. This weekend they're putting on the Gemini Show, a warehouse event that's supported by all four pillars of hip-hop. You got rappin' in the main room, spinnin' out back, breakin' goin' on everywhere and graffers on attack. Mix in free beer and the experimental stylings of Green Rhinos, and you've also got one helluva party. Anyone who's a Gemini gets in for half-price, so keep an eye out for your long-lost twin on the dance floor. 8 p.m. to 4 a.m. Saturday, May 29. 4116 East Crosstimbers. For information, visit www.prematurethoughts.com. $10. -- Keith Plocek
Smack in the Middle
If black and white are thought of as polar opposites, then gray is the color of a good mix. And DJ Greyboy knows how to mix it up with the best of 'em. This SoCal-based spinster made big waves ten years ago with the release of Freestylin', an album that eventually sold more than 100,000 units. This week he comes to town to promote Soul Mosaic, a new platter on which he mixes in full vocals (including some by Sharon Jones of the Dap Kings) for a more soulful sound. No worries, though: He still layers enough tracks to make your head spin. 9 p.m. Thursday, May 27. Union, 202 Tuam. For information, call 713-529-5296. $10. -- Keith Plocek