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Feel This

Enema of the Mental State: Notes from the Battle on Irritable Blink-182 Syndrome

I found myself feeling this after listening to "Feeling This." Our counseling sessions have become sweetly sorrowful "Miss You" sing-alongs that leave us both emotionally spent. The patient's musical inferiority complex has weakened, and his paranoid ideation has also decreased significantly with the largely positive critical response to Blink-182.

What once was immature and irrelevant has become darkly alluring and devastatingly sweet. The patient feels no need to rationalize "Go," "Down" or any other song on the album.

This is a groundbreaking discovery for IBS patients. As with herpes, there is no cure. But patients can still lead fulfilling lives. Note to self: Contact Psychology Today about publishing findings.

Prescription: a mango frappé and Blink-182.

Patient name: Dinsdale, Nathan

Final evaluation date: May 16, 2004

Location: Bonner Springs, Kansas

Conclusion: The patient's IBS is in remission thanks in part to my brilliant advances in the field. I have been awarded a tidy grant from the Administration for Children and Families and have rewarded myself with a large OxyContin prescription.

The patient has silenced his demons through patience, spiritual counseling (Pop-Punk Penance, February 5, 2004) and multiple spins of Blink-182. But the real test will come at today's concert.

Barring any catastrophic digressions (the patient storming the stage to belt out a booze-fueled rendition of "Miss You"), it is my professional opinion that the patient is cured of IBS and no longer requires my services.

Signed: S. Zacharius Chapman, M.D.

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