Last year, Vivid Video sent out a few contract starlets to clubs around the country for the first Porn Star Ball tour. The company even dispatched a star or two to a club around these parts (see "The Jizz Age," October 16). Well, guess what, you tossers? The jizz-biz party train is back for another coast-to-coast porn-star trek. And this time around, we might actually get a verifiable porn superstar: Jill Kelly (of Perfect Pink fame) has packed up some of the choicest hotties from Jill Kelly Productions for the Slippery When Wet 2004 Tour. These ladies are going from town to town, serving up joy and excitement from their bountiful bosoms. Kelly herself has not confirmed for the H-town event, but she might show. And up-and-comer Tyler Faith will definitely be on hand to sign autographs, pose for snapshots and just give men a reason to live during these depressing times.
Among the scheduled activities is an H20 + T-Shirt Contest (which is just a sophisticated way of saying "a wet T-shirt contest"), where the prize is $500 plus a trip to Las Vegas to attend the last Porn Star Ball and compete in the finals. So if you aspire to wear a soaked Hanes in front of a bunch of people for money, now's your chance. 10 p.m. Saturday, June 26. The Gatsby, 2540 University Boulevard. For information, call 713-874-1310 or visit www.pornstarball.com. $15 to $20. -- Craig D. Lindsey
Sam's Boat's Malibu Stacey
I had spent the better part of the day trying to get back home from Nashville to watch the big Lakers-Pistons game. Multiple delays resulted in multiple bar tabs, but I finally hooked up with my buddy at Sam's Boat (12720 Southwest Freeway, 281-277-9333). The game was about as lopsided as I was, but that wasn't the only thing to watch at the overflowing bar. The band outside was in overdrive, and I was guzzling Malibu Staceys like they were the last drink on earth. "Go Astros!" my buddy would yell across the patio to anyone wearing a baseball cap. We were hitting on everything that moved -- or mooed, for that matter. Our waitress Amanda mentioned her boyfriend in every other breath, but there were plenty of other targets for our tired old lines. We were both pretty whipped. By closing time, all the respectable women had left, leaving an assorted crowd of skanky dancers, thirsty cocktail waitresses and two rather rotund hookers, one with a dude's hand up her skirt. After downing one last Malibu Stacey, I settled up our bar tab and propositioned my last remaining prospect. She came home with me and I let her beat me"at strip poker.
1-3/4 ounces Malibu Coconut Rum
2 ounces Big Tex grapefruit juice
Measure out rum into a glass filled with ice. Top off with grapefruit juice. After the first few rounds, skip the glass altogether and get out a sturdy pitcher. Great poolside treat. Repeated consumption may lead to liver disease. -- J.W. Crooker
With discrimination waning as the years pass, it will probably be easier to be gay in the year 2050. And if the Queer As Folk: Future Babylon Tour is any indicator, it will be pretty damn fabulous, too. The Babylon party, held during Pride festivities, will transform Montrose's South Beach into the Showtime series's favorite hot spot -- 46 years into the future. A few glamorous DJs will spin tunes at the fashionably futuristic soiree, and QAF cast member Robert Gant, just off the Babylon Float in Saturday's Pride Parade, will host. 9 p.m. Sunday, June 27. 810 Pacific. For information, call 713-523-8448 or visit www.futurebabylon.com. $15 to $20. -- Steven Devadanam
Dawg Eat Dawg
In the glory days of rap, when a playa brought his dope rhymes to the streets or the stage for a rhyme-off, nothing -- not his Kangol hat, fresh Adidas or lime-green jumpsuit -- could save him if he got no love from the crowd. This Saturday, you can catch some local cats lyrically joust on stage and bust out impromptu rhymes faster than Wordsworth on crack. It's going down at the Hottest Party in H-Town History at Industry Cafe. And if the verbal slaughter is too much to bear, groove to the gentler guest DJs or check out the funk/rock bands in the second room. 8 p.m. Saturday, June 26. 2110 Rusk. For information, call 713-222-CAFE. $8 to $12. -- Steven Devadanam