By Chris Gray
By Corey Deiterman
By Jef With One F
By Chris Gray
By Rocks Off
By Rocks Off
6. Johnny Rzeznik. Feel free to debate whether the Goo Goo Dolls' albums can even be considered rock. Also feel free to debate whether they're music. Any way you slice the pie, this moronic, saccharine, neo-glam outfit is the worst band in America, with Rzeznik being the synthetic cherry filling. Quick, name one Goo Goo Dolls song. That's okay, you're not alone. That Rzeznik could ascend to this ranking without ever having exhibited an ounce of artistic talent is testament to how much people just want to drop-kick his pretty-boy bean through the goal posts at Fuckface Field. At least this Calvin Klein underwear-model wannabe has one thing going for him: Avril Lavigne evidently wants to ride him. And in Missouri, that'd be barely legal.
7. G.E. Smith. We know: How can a Saturday Night Live bandleader named after a power company qualify for this list? Here's how: Smith served as Hall & Oates's lead guitarist from 1979 to 1985, which marked the peak of the Philly duo's commercial viability. And -- come on -- was there any blond ponytail more ubiquitous than Smith's during his ten-year SNL run? Absolutely not -- homeboy played on every imaginable televised tribute concert, including Live Aid and Farm Aid. Indeed, where there was an Aid -- and a camera -- there was a blond ponytail, which Smith took great pains to flap across his face like a horse's tail across its ass. Smith was Michael Bolton before Michael Bolton was Michael Bolton, only Smith didn't even have to open his mouth to attain such reviled status. His "look at me!" facial expressions did it all.
8. Conor Oberst and Chris Carrabba. Who wants to hear sad, sad songs about the day-to-day pathos of well-to-do suburban white kids? Well-to-do suburban white kids, that's who. And that's about it. "Emo," then, is really a genre within a genre within a genre, which makes it a mystery why these two wimps have been garnering so much ink. Every song they write is overwrought and intellectually dishonest. Everybody's got problems, but we'd love to transplant this double entry (two whiny weenies equal one man, by our count) of pastoral crackers to the ghetto for a few decades. Then we'll see if they continue to pump out the same prepubescent pussy bait that's gotten them this far.
9. Fred Durst. Regardless of whether you believe Durst's claim that he drilled Britney Spears six ways till Sunday, this rap-rock goofball is largely responsible for rock's darkest era: the late '90s. (Kid Rock, too, can take a bow.) Fortunately, it looks like Durst's career is over. Otherwise, he'd likely outstrip Rzeznik for the sixth spot. He'd be at the top of the list if this poll were more concerned with sonic proficiency.
10. Bob Weir. You can actually stoptruckin' now, Bob. The Dead's insistence upon staying on the road post-Jerry Garcia has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the band was just a collection of semi-competent nerds with a prodigiously charismatic and talented front man. And Rock Star Bobby is the worst of the bunch, a bona fide gravy-trainer who probably would have invited frequent guest Huey Lewis to join the band as a full-time harmonica player had Garcia not understandably kept his pink-Izod-wearing ass in check. Weir's side project, Rat Dog, is basically a below-average bar band with a front man who needs a TelePrompTer to remember his own lyrics. But given our unyielding love for all things Garcia, we were willing to forgive and forget -- until Weir and company appeared on The Tonight Showrecently. With Garcia on the injured list (for good), Weir stepped in to sing lead vocals on "Touch of Grey." Horribly. Why didn't he just defecate on Jerry's headstone instead?
Rounding out the top 20 (in descending order): Glenn Frey and Don Henley (they count as one), Scott Stapp, Rod Stewart, Phil Collins, Lenny Kravitz, Steve Miller, John Mellencamp, Michael McDonald, Max Weinberg, Lars Ulrich.
Honorable mention: Clapton, Anthony Kiedis, Kid Rock, Scott Weiland, Liam and Noel Gallagher, Zack de la Rocha, Peter Gabriel, Kenny Loggins, George Thorogood, Bob Seger, Ted Nugent, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Bruce Springsteen, Axl Rose, James Hetfield, Ozzy Osbourne, Steve Winwood, Bruce Hornsby, Billy Joel, Dave Matthews, John Popper, Julian Casablancas, Jack White, Rob Thomas, Huey Lewis, Jackson Browne, Dave Grohl, Chris Cornell, Mark McGrath, Melissa Etheridge and the lead singer of Maroon 5.