How Long, Oh, Lord, How Long

Another outpost of crap plops onto the Houston dial, as this open letter reveals

Hey, take my blueprint and you'd win some broadcasting awards. Billboard and Radio and Records would chime in with positive write-ups. The nation would be watching, and you'd do well. Houston would be forever grateful; the station would go a long way toward changing national assumptions about people here -- the same ones you have long assumed were just a bunch of tools who deserve nothing better than Train and 3 Doors Down all day and night.

But no, you wouldn't ever do that, because that would be something smart, new and different, and I've just about given up hoping that you'll ever try anything like that here. You might try that in some city that your marketing wonks will tell you is "hip," some place like Austin, Portland or San Francisco, but as for Houston? Naah. You'll just continue to give us the same stupid old tired-ass crap, because, after all, we're just Houston, and Houston is not allowed to have cool radio stations. It seems like it must be engraved on some stone tablet somewhere in the bowels of City Hall near the "no zoning" commandment, the one that dictates that the Astros will always break our hearts, and that other one that says all our local TV commercials have to be made by half-bright orangutans.

Hell, who am I kidding? Nobody is allowed to have cool radio anymore, except, that is, for those of us who can afford Sirius or XM. Y'all trad radio cats just sit around and let a bunch of mooks in focus groups tell you what to play, and you let TV commercials, MTV, movies and VH1 break all the exciting new bands these days. You're the last to get aboard.

And $72.5 million is a lot of money, so I'm not surprised you played it safe. It's always been that way, and apparently it always will be. But in another ten years we'll all have satellite radios anyway, so all of us discriminating types will be out of your hair then. But then, so will everybody else. So please make sure the last person left working in your industry remembers to turn out the lights.

Scuttlebutt Caboose

Deep-voiced, dread-locked northside underground legend Slim Thug has just announced a signing to the Neptunes' Star Trak label. Expect the ensuing record, produced by Pharrell and Chad, to drop this fall and also for it to be a hit. The single "3 Kings" is already getting spins on MTV2's Advance Warning. Expect the underground types to start hatin' on the Boss Hawg Outlaw while he goes platinum…Speakin' of hatin', check out what Chamillionaire had to say about Mike Jones on "You Got Wrecked," off his recent Mixtape Messiah underground release: "I bet he e-mail me and try to send me Internet threats / Go and pop some damn X, go and pop some Xanax / Do something better with ya life and go and have some hand sex / You ain't bringin' Cham' plex / you on a pharmaceutical / What type of fool is you? / Im'a suit you for your funeral." And so Jones answered back with his own tune, "Advantage Jones": "The only reason you sold was 'cause of me/ 'Cause without me your shit / would have been stuck in the store / Now here's a challenge, can you do it? / Let's see, drop a CD with no beef and see if it blows in the street / You the past muthafucka and the future is here." Guys, guys, guys. Im'a have to go Rodney King on all a y'all: Can't we all just get along?

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