Hot 'n' Heavenly

SAT 10/23

There's no mention of free Hypnotiq samples or lingerie-clad models in Dante's Divine Comedy, but that sure sounds like Paradisoto us. Come to the Halloween Ball to celebrate the opening of Club Envy this weekend, and you, like Dante, can hit heaven, hell and purgatory all in one go, though it's likely you won't remember enough to write a three-book poem about it afterward. The dance floor will be "Hell," figuratively, and the upstairs "Heaven," literally, if your idea of heaven involves all sorts of hot people in skimpy costumes. Four DJs, including DJ KD and Fernando, will be spinning everything from funk to trance to ska throughout the club's two levels, while a laser light show and drink samples will keep your head spinning. And since it's almost Halloween, organizers have thrown in a sword swallower, a costume contest and a fashion show by Erotic Cabaret. There's also a live yoga performance by Jenny Yoga, and no, we're not quite sure how that fits in either.

Be sure to look good, since Texas Live TV is broadcasting the event live on the Internet and then on television a few weeks later. "It's all about relaxing and enjoying yourself," says Texas Live executive producer Mike Pierce. Yes, please try to relax in spite of the pitchfork-wielding lingerie model shimmying next to you. Party like it's eternity, beginning at 9 p.m. Saturday, October 23. 310 Main. For information, visit www.texaslive.tv. $10 to $15. -- Julia Ramey

The Roll-N Saloon's Jack Daniel's and Coke

Tired of the demonic blind dates my aunt kept arranging for me at the country club, I decided to take a chance on a sexy voice I spoke to three nights a week when I forwarded my work's phone line to an all-night answering service. My years in radio had taught me that not every raspy-voiced caller was someone to write home about, but there was something about this one that made me want to act out my wildest desires. On the way home from work one night, I stopped at the Roll-N Saloon (4200 San Felipe, 713-622-7487) for a quick Jack and Coke so I could get my nerve up to ask this mystery woman out. The only thing I knew about her was she liked Goldschläger, stiletto heels and hot tubs. Oh, yeah, she'd also mentioned she was six-foot-one in flats. She laughed at my jokes -- smoker's cough and all -- and told me that her mama would look after her 14-year-old daughter if we went on a hot and steamy date. The drink in front of me turned into three before I psyched myself up to call her. But to my great frustration, her cell phone kept cutting off. I could call her on the business number, but every damn minute would be recorded. I kept redialing her cell until there was no answer at all. In defeat, I paid my tab so I could go home and take advantage of myself.

2 ounces Jack Daniel's whiskey
Splash and a half of Coke

Take a rocks glass and fill it with ice. Pour in the Jack, leaving just enough room for the Coke. Sip slowly, or just slam the whole thing back. Perfect for midterm cramming, Halloween parties and group therapy. -- J.W. Crooker

Get a Peace

THU 10/21

Fashion shows are perfect for would-be stalkers: Where else can you can ogle people indiscriminately and not get arrested? Gawk for a good cause at Pink, Hair...Peace, which benefits the Pink Ribbon Project. The fashion show features ladies in duds from Wet Seal, footwear from Nine West and freshly coiffed hair by Toni and Guy. If fashion ain't your bag, chill to DJ Wes Wallace, who'll be spinning all night. Oh, and organizer Jesse Cougot promises guys in designer ties from Tied One On. What he won't say is whether they'll be wearing anything else. Find out at 8 p.m. Thursday, October 21, at Numbers, 300 Westheimer. For information, call 281-389-6380 or visit www.numbersnightclub.com. $8. -- Steven Devadanam

Old-School Alums

Everyone's homecoming should be this fresh. The lucky alumni of Texas Southern University will be kickin' it at a two-night homecoming concert series called Tiger Pride Greek Show and Hip-Hop Throwdown. Not a TSU alum? No sweat. You can still grab ducats for the gig, featuring New Orleans rhymester Juvenile, headlining with Petey Pablo and Choppa. Older and wiser grads and fans can chill at the Back in Stride with Old School Pride Homecoming Concert. Cameo, the guys who brought us the '80s anthem "Word Up," will be bringing it old-school with rapper Big Daddy Kane and the Gap Band. 7 p.m. Friday, October 22, and 8 p.m. Saturday, October 23. TSU's H&PE Arena, Wheeler and Ennis. For information, call 713-313-1111 or visit www.em.tsu.edu/homecoming. $25. -- Steven Devadanam