By Jef With One F
By Rocks Off
By Chris Lane
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
DJ Tino Latino starts spinning an eclectic mix of house, old- and new-school rap, and Latin-tinged ditties at 10 p.m., so after watching a rented copy of Chasing Amy (research) I head over at around 11 p.m. to the dining room that, tonight at least, will be serving the sort of tacos that dare not speak their name.
The lot is packed, so parking is best found in the neighborhood around back. I walk up behind a couple who look less Rosie O'Donnell than Giselle Bundchen. Stunning. My dirty male mind is already picturing them dancing -- tongues tied and hands a-roamin' -- to the swelling harmonies of the Indigo Girls. Closer I am to fine indeed.
I saunter through the door and squeeze through a throng of gorgeous women on my way up to the bar.
Bocados has two frozen drinks on tap: piña coladas and margaritas. I ask the bartender to pour me something pretty. Without blinking, he hands me a glass of liquid so red it would make a sorority girl proud.
"Cape Cod," he yells.
"Thanks," I yell back convincingly.
I'm in the mix! I'm a tad bit anxious about diving into a gaggle of women who have no interest in me, but pretty quickly I admit to myself that I am well accustomed to that state of affairs. This is only a matter of degree. Still, I don't want these ladies to think I'm joy-riding through their scene, a twisted pervert in the house solely to observe their rituals up close for a cheap thrill. Okay, I am -- but I don't need them to know it. I toss back my Cape Cod and decide to go for broke after another Cape Cod and another and a margarita. By now I'm feeling a bit chipper, so I start thinking of ways to start a conversation with one of these hot lady lovers. Suddenly, one of them starts speaking to me.
"What brings you here on ladies' night?" she asks.
"Ummm the ladies," I respond -- such a clever fuck.
"Are you another Rick?"
"I'm not exactly sure. What's that mean?" I ask.
"See that guy over there in the blue shirt?" she says, pointing to the bar.
I do indeed. It's hard to miss the whitest guy in the room attempting to dance to R. Kelly's "Happy People" while sporting a John Elway-sized grin and the tightest blue shirt ever sewn together in the history of the entire goddamned sweatshop industry.
"How do I know if I'm a him?"
She explains that the regulars at Bocados have pegged Rick as the type of leering voyeur I wrote about a few paragraphs back. I'm hoping her finely tuned hetero-dar doesn't categorize me as such, but I think she only half believes me.
Anyway, her name is Tara, and she has a plan. She wants me to pretend to be her brother so she can introduce me to Rick. He's a spend-happy perv who shells out shots of Patrón like water, she adds. Let's do this, lil' sis, I say.
As we're making our way to Rick, she tells me that the first thing he ever said to her was "I drive a Mercedes." Wow, buddy. You outed yourself.
I'm introduced -- and just like Tara said, the tequila starts flowing. I get to talking to my new Mercedes-owning pal. It took everything I had not to open with "My name is Brian. I drive a Nissan Sentra."
He tells me that my sister is beautiful. Easy there, pal. I agree with him. I decide to take on the role of supportive (rather than protective) sibling.
It just so happens that support is the next thing on Rick's mind.
"It's great that you support your sister."
I tell him that we're both gay -- the support is mutual.
"Oh," he says, somewhat flummoxed. "Anyway, she's great."
Again I agree. He buys me another shot. I ask him how he found out about this place.
"You know what, man? I was driving by one night and I saw four hot chicks crossing the street holding hands. I turned my car around and came in. I didn't know it was a lesbian place or whatever. I come back all the time now."
"Do you just like watching the girls dance close? Make out? What's the appeal for a straight guy going out to a night like this?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"It's just fun, man. Everyone here is so nice. I like to buy people drinks and dance. It's a great time."
It truly is. Maybe Rick isn't such a tool after all. He just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?