Jeramy Clark, a youth pastor in San Diego and author of the Harris-rebuttal I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes, says that rejecting dating altogether is "chucking out the baby with the bath water." He believes in dating -- a modest, Christian approach to dating -- and says he's seen two types of potential dangers with courtship.
One is that parental control can turn into a chokehold, driving courtship-bound children in the opposite direction. He notes one example of a closely guarded girl who veered toward extreme rebellion: hooking up, shacking up and getting knocked up by a boyfriend. The other extreme, he says, finds some girls involved with courtship deciding not to talk to guys at all anymore.
Troy Fields
Tom and Dianne McMinn at the family ranch with their
three youngest children
Troy Fields
David and Lori Crank taught daughters Sarah and
Christianna that dating would be forbidden.
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"Dating is a scary thing," says Clark. "It's letting go of your child in some ways into an unknown.
"My question all along," he asks, "is why do we think that going back a few hundred years and adapting that is the right thing?"
8. Congratulations, you may now (finally) kiss the bride
Interestingly, all of the four elder McMinn girls wound up marrying guys who attended public school and didn't come from courtship families. (Although they learned and adapted to Tom's rules.) The daughters now live in different cities around Texas, have kids of their own and, as Mom and Dad taught them growing up, uphold the role of homemaker without giving a thought to being working mothers.
"When they got married, one of the things I kinda symbolically did with my son-in-laws, besides collecting all my daughters' credit cards, was I kinda put her hand in his and said, 'She's your baby now,' " says Tom. "It was a total transfer of power. It was like one cell plant dividing...Your husband is your leader."
Most people see history as a zero-sum game. What is lost by tradition is gained by progress; what power loses, choice gains. In the culture wars of today's America, courtship is one more way to recover that lost ground.
Most of the parents consulted for this story themselves dated when they were younger. They see no apparent contradiction in depriving their children of a choice they had. They, of course, see it the opposite way: They're insulating their kids from the perils of freedom. And this, you see, is progress. The proof?
When Tom and Dianne's grandchildren become of marriageable age, they will go through courtship as well.
"We want to make sure we know what goes in [our son] Tommy," says Rebekah, "and what comes out."
