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He's Gone Country

The Nightfly tries out as the next Bocephus at Sam Houston Race Park

And I took a look in the mirror and knew I didn't have a shot, simply because I. Looked. Too. Damn. Fine.

And another thing: I can't really sing this stuff. I tried working on mimicking Jr.'s distinctive enunciation and cadence -- he doesn't say Dixie, for example, but DICK-say -- and after a bit of practice I was able to set up base camp on Respectable Mountain just this side of the Abyss of Complete and Total Humiliation.

And then my time came and I belted it out. I'd performed in front of crowds before -- but never this sober...in a room so well lit...with midgets on horses in the background. It was a tad daunting. And the room spotted me as a fraud. Immediately. The place was full of 19-year-old girls who've had karaoke machines of their own since they were four, and as soon as I hit my first note, I could see them turning to each other and giggling. "It's the hat," I thought to myself as I struggled to remember the lyrics. I looked like a broke-ass Bocephus up there. Kid Pebble, if you will. And so I started playing it for yuks. I busted out some cheesy dance moves, rested my hat on the mane of a purty li'l filly in the front row. I had come full circle -- there would be no $2,500 check in my near future.

You've no doubt heard that if a human touches a baby bird its mother will reject it upon its return to the nest. Me singing in a country competition -- yeah, it was kind of like that. I didn't bother waking up for the 7:20 Monday-morning announcement of the winners on 93Q Country, because I know my quixotic effort to save country fell way short. Country music! I wanted to revive your once magnificent, daring body with mouth-to-mouth! Next time, I'll do you the courtesy of brushing my teeth first.

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