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Stay Young and Stupid

Dear Lord, please stop the Stingification of Beck

This man's maturation process needs to be impaired, blockaded and ideally halted completely. Guero is a wonderful, innovative, safe album Beck should never make again. As L. Ron Hubbard himself suggested, "Let's get retarded." Get stupid, get ridiculous, get crass, get absurd. Dalí, not Dylan. For I still proudly carry a hyperspecific memory of listening to 1994's "Pay No Mind" while languishing in a Taco Bell drive-thru, guffawing like an idiot when Beck mumbled "Like a giant dildo crushing the sun" as though it were scripture. Because it is, in point of fact, scripture. Please, Satan, sell us another taco.

Beck's Guero will be in stores Tuesday, March 29.

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