Glory Days

The return of the male strippers

Hacking Away

A high school English test can be a terrifying event even if you're not a jock. But if you're a computer geek, there's something you can do about it.

One senior at Fort Bend ISD's Clements High took matters into his own carpal-tunneled hands recently, with disastrous results.

With a big English final coming up as the fall semester ended, the senior -- we'll call him The Brainiac -- installed a "keyboard decoder" on the teacher's computer.

Midnight at Clements, no sounds but the lonely swish of a janitor waxing the hall. Some ceiling tiles move in one of the classrooms and -- dressed in black, hanging by an ingenious system of pulleys and ropes -- comes The Brainiac!!

Actually, according to school police, The B simply attached the small device to the back of the teacher's computer, got the password, and then logged on from another computer at the school.

He downloaded the final exam, but then came the tragic flaw that brings down all criminal masterminds -- greed. He tried to sell copies of the test to other students, one of whom ratted him out. The B now faces a misdemeanor charge of "breaching computer security" and is in an alternative school.

"He's not a stupid kid," says FBISD spokeswoman Mary Ann Simpson. "He's a smart kid and he just misdirected his smarts."

It's a shame he took a shortcut. Because that English Lit knowledge is going to be invaluable as he enters the IT field.

Porn to Run

There are few things better than political hypocrisy mixed with sex, but sometimes you have to draw the line.

A group called Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington has put out a report titled "Addicted to Porn," which claims to identify members of Congress who "accept contributions from porn purveyors." One of the biggest culprits: our very own U.S. Representative Tom DeLay (R-Taliban). Let the Hammer jokes begin!

According to CREW, DeLay took $21,000 in porn-related contributions in the 2004 cycle. Was it all in sticky one-dollar bills from video booths? Did Larry Flynt write a check?

Not really. The "porn purveyors" are such companies as Holiday Inn, Marriott, Time Warner Cable and AT&T.

CREW says the hotel chains purvey porn by showing soft-core in their rooms; cable companies such as Time Warner also offer semi-dirty films. And AT&T is a phone company, and there is such a thing as phone sex.

CREW didn't even come up with any ratio to discount how much of a donation from Holiday Inn, say, might be non-porn related. Talk about stretching a premise to make a point. DeLay probably accepted money from women, too, and we all know some women make a lot of money as porn stars.

DeLay's office wouldn't return a call; a spokesman for Representative Joe Barton, another Texan allegedly wallowing in filth, wouldn't comment.

But Seton Motley, the tireless DeLay defender from www.NewsoftheDay.org, stepped into the breach: "It's like saying Jenny Craig gets $10,000 from HEB and saying all $10,000 is from fatty foods. Well, no, it's not. There are vegetables and meat."

Or a meat and two veg, as Austin Powers might say.

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