Uncivil Action

No one's responsible for a body-parts debacle

Crime of the Century

The world wept March 23 when the horrific news first emerged of a heinous crime, a tragedy so unspeakable that the mind reeled: The Hummer belonging to Roger Clemens's kid got stolen out of his high school parking lot.

Sure, it was the kid's second Hummer -- replacing an antique that was probably several months old -- but still, what Houstonian could not relate to the teenage despair that comes with losing a building-sized burnt-orange $60K SUV? Plus, all his baseball equipment was in the back.

Crime Stoppers and Clemens immediately offered a $10,000 reward, but the car was found a few hours later, probably shortly after the robbers figured out just how conspicuous they were, driving around in a burnt-orange SUV belonging to a sports god.

We're happy the street tank was recovered so fast, because we no longer had to work on our list of Things We'd Rather Do than Help Recover a High Schooler's Hummer. We'd only gotten up to: 1) Buy something nice for Paris Hilton, and 2) Swallow turpentine.

But come on, Crime Stoppers -- don't you have better things to do than leap immediately to help some multimillionaire recover a plaything?

Crime Stoppers got involved, director Kim Ogg says, because the price of the car made the crime a felony, which brings an automatic $5,000 reward; because Clemens offered a $5,000 match; and because she is a longtime pal of the police chief of the Spring Branch school district and he asked her to do it.

"It is one of the least serious cases we've worked on in a long time," she admits. "Although of course it was important to the family."

Oh, yeah. We're sure they were checking the bus schedules right up until the thing was found.

The Stud Next Door, Part 2

As further proof of our qualifications for the Public Service Pulitzer, we have been busily dealing with requests from readers seeking further information about the "star in your own porn movie" Web site.

A half-dozen (very polite) e-mails came in from guys with stars in their eyes. And there was even one caller: Dan Parsons, president of the Houston Better Business Bureau.

Possible titles flashed through our heads: The BBB Goes XXX!! or maybe Servicing the Consumer. Alas, Parsons was not -- he claims -- interested in starring in one of the pictures; instead he was curious as to whether any consumer laws were being broken.

Like possibly violating Texas's Model and Talent Agency Act, which doesn't sound half as exciting as amateur porn.

Then again, Parsons said he wasn't sure if the company involved was violating any law. "He's kind of working in through the back door," Parsons said. Unfortunately enough.

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