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Where's the Beef? Right here in H-town

T.I. and Lil' Flip rumble in Cloverland, bringing one of the great rap feuds of recent years to a head

Jay-Z vs. R. Kelly:

Young Hova's had many other beefs, most notably with Nas, Tupac, Ja Rule, Lance Rivera and 50 Cent, but this is among the more recent, and it's somewhat rare in that lawyers are doing most of the rapping, as only lawyers can. Last year, the two co-headlined one of the more disastrous tours in American history, one that was ironically titled the Best of Both Worlds. The music came to an abrupt halt in November at Madison Square Garden when Kelly quit his set mid-song, claiming at the time that he saw audience members with guns. Kelly was persuaded to come back the next night to finish out the show's four-night run, whereupon a member of Jay-Z's crew allegedly Maced or pepper-sprayed his ass. Kelly has since sued for $60 million; Jay-Z has since countersued, and the suit, when translated from legalese, says that Kelly is an insecure, bawling little baby of a man, and quite likely crazy as a shithouse rat.

(Advantage: Too soon to tell, but Jay-Z is in the lead.)

Chingo Bling
Chingo Bling
Cleto
Cleto
Eminem
Eminem
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson
Benzino
Benzino
Nas
Nas
R. Kelly
R. Kelly
Biggie
Biggie
Tupac
Tupac
Bill O'Reilly
Bill O'Reilly
Ludacris
Ludacris
R. Kelly
R. Kelly
Jay-Z
Jay-Z
50 Cent: This buckaroo's got more beefs than Omaha 
Steaks.
50 Cent: This buckaroo's got more beefs than Omaha Steaks.
Mike Jones
Mike Jones
Chamillionaire
Chamillionaire

50 Cent vs. the known universe:

50 Cent is the great cattleman -- his road to fame is a veritable Chisholm Trail of beefs on the hoof. That's his hustle, and he's very, very good at it. Long before his megahit "In Da Club," he was making his name a boatload of disses at a time. His first underground hit, "How to Rob," found Fiddy belittling Puff Daddy, Lil' Kim, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston, Brian McKnight, Keith Sweat, Big Pun, Silkk the Shocker, Master P, Jay-Z, Will Smith, Jada Pinkett, Timbaland, Missy Elliott, Da Brat, various Wu-Tangers, Blackstreet, Boys II Men, Mike Tyson and for good measure, gospel artist Kirk Franklin, among others. Later came the long-running feud with Ja Rule, in which Louis Farrakhan himself felt compelled to intervene. And on this year's Massacre, Fiddy returned to his rapid-fire, Uzi-like dissing ways with "Piggy Bank," in which he tears into Fat Joe, Kelis and husband Nas, Shyne, Mobb Deep and Jadakiss, and that's not to mention his new beef with the Game, which culminated (or appears to have culminated, anyway) in the nonfatal shooting of one of the Game's flunkies. And then there was Hamo, the now-deceased Brooklyn thug who shot him nine times, whom he really must have had a beef with.

(Advantage: 50 Cent. He has built and maintained a multiplatinum career by dissing every other rapper out there and then ignoring their responses.)

Mike Jones vs. Chamillionaire:

Two of Houston's hottest up-and-comers whom everyone assumed to be tight shocked the Dirty South last year by embarking on a feud. Chamillionaire fired the first shot: On his three-disc set Mixtape Messiah, he dedicated almost one whole album to a litany of Mike Jones disses. In a later interview, Jones said the whole thing was a joke; Chamillionaire said it wasn't, but he wouldn't say why he was so pissed off at Jones.

(Advantage: Draw. Both Jones and Chamillionaire should know that you need to aim higher with your beefs. 50 Cent, the master of this game, got where he is by aiming his barbs upward at the biggest names in the business, not sideways at the guys grinding next to him. It's that old principle of crabs in a bucket: You have to pull the higher guy down to get where he is. But hell, I could be wrong -- I've seen crabs escape from buckets by walking all over each other, too.)

Chingo Bling vs. Cleto:

Like 'Pac and Biggie, Houston's Tamale Kingpin Chingo Bling and his fighting cock Cleto were once really tight. Cleto toured with Chingo and even used him as a tax shelter. But then he caught his rooster in bed with his woman; worse still, Cleto had stolen his most expensive ice and platinum.

(Advantage: Chingo. The absurdity of this beef with a chicken makes all the rappers who do this shit for real look pretty dumb.)

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