By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
a. An All-Star center fielder with speed, power and defense.
b. A pawn in the court of that greedy shyster Scott Boras.
c. Going to be treated fairly and generously by the ever-sensitive New York City sports media.
d. Now outpacing the GDP of his homeland of Puerto Rico.
2. Jeff Kent decided to sign with the Dodgers because:
a. The Southern California native wanted to return home.
b. He's using his porn-star mustache to audition for Boogie Nights II.
c. After he dissed the players' union, Los Angeles affords better witness protection.
d. He's crazy as batshit. We have no idea.
3. Lance Berkman blew out his knee this off-season:
a. Working as a coyote, shuttling Salvadoran illegals across the border.
b. Helping Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch.
c. Kicking babies.
d. Playing flag football at his Second Baptist Church.
4. Roger Clemens upped his first-year "hometown discount" to $18 million because:
a. Filling up his Hummer required a second mortgage.
b. That kicky blond-highlights hairdo doesn't come cheap.
c. When you're God, you get paid like God.
d. Being the highest-paid pitcher in baseball history doesn't suck.
5. Relief pitcher John Franco was a rookie during the:
a. Carter administration.
b. Reagan administration.
c. Taft administration.
d. Continental Congress.
6. Milo Hamilton is now in his 50th season as a baseball play-by-play radio voice. When there's a shot to the left-field gap, he will:
a. Not interrupt his naming of every youth group in attendance.
b. Do the "Milo Moan," a sort of scrambling for words that forces listeners to frantically try to interpret just what's going on.
c. Keep saying, after the play, "Oh, my" or "Holy Toledo" or some other content-free phrase for 30 seconds before letting the listener know what happened.
d. Find a way to praise owner Drayton McLane.
7. No Astros were called to testify before Congress on the issue of steroid abuse because:
a. Roger Clemens doesn't travel.
b. The Astros' only association with inflated numbers ended three years ago, when Enron Field was renamed.
c. Playing in the Astrodome all those years, most people thought the home run was an obsolete statistic.
d. Contrary to rumors, Jeff Bagwell lost weight and bulk after steroid testing began only because he saw himself in the mirror and said, "Girl, it is time."
(Answers: D for all except No. 5; we're still waiting on carbon-dating tests on John Franco to be finished.)