By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
Q. What if you have a person who walks in with an offensive cologne? I know Beyoncé recently put out a scent, I guess so you can smell like Beyoncé. I don't know what she smells like, but what if she smells bad to a lot of people?
A. Well, we're not talking about something that's personal taste. We're talking about more extreme cases. If [there's an odor], whether it be natural or unnatural... causing a physical reaction in other people to where they cannot use our facilities, that might constitute the basis for a complaint. If, for example, it's making your eyes water, you can't breathe, that kind of stuff.
Q. Britney Spears has a new perfume out as well. Have you smelled that one?
A. No, I'm sorry. I personally use White Diamonds, and I'm happy with that.
Q. And no one's complained about their eyes watering?
A. Not so far, no.
A tip for Fernandez -- don't get on a city bus in Canada. According to the October 9, 2003, Vancouver Sun, the bus company "will investigate a driver who allegedly subjected a passenger to an abusive ride that included racial slurs and an unwanted trip alone in the bus -- all for wearing the Elizabeth Taylor perfume White Diamonds."
There oughta be a law.
Hitting the Fan
Great moments in jurisprudence, Part XVII: Houston's First Court of Appeals ruled April 21 against a TDCJ inmate convicted of...well, of throwing a milk carton full of shit at a prison guard.
Inmate Bobby Ferguson -- the "appellant," or the person making the appeal -- said he wasn't aiming at the guard, he simply threw the projectile to get attention. At which he certainly succeeded.
At any rate, the appellate opinion included this sterling line: "The parties stipulated that the feces in the milk carton belonged to appellant."
Thank God the two sides agreed on that.
For our part, we'd like to stipulate that it would be impossible to spend your time in court formally proving just who owned what feces without wondering, "Three years of law school for this?"
Then again, no one ever said you could become a lawyer without dealing with a lot of shit.