Excess Hollywood

By our count, there are but two sequels waiting to have oil rubbed on their backs this summer -- one featuring an evil lord named Vader, the other featuring an evil lord named Schneider -- so the season has that going for it, which is nice.

But in lieu of sequels come comic-book superheroes (Batman, the Fantastic Four) and small-screen retreads (Bewitched, cursed with the worst trailer ever, and The Dukes of Hazzard, which not even General Lee's been waiting for) and big-screen redos (The Pink Panther, The Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, The Honeymooners, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and War of the Worlds), which doesn't even take into account Jiminy Glick in Lalawood, which is barely a movie anyway.

Of the 130-something movies scheduled to play this summer, few will warm the hearts of the most air-conditioned critic. Jim Jarmusch's Broken Flowers, with Bill Murray and Jessica Lange and Sharon Stone; Ron Howard's Cinderella Man, starring Russell Crowe as boxer Jim Braddock and Paul Giamatti as his trainer; and Terry Gilliam's The Brothers Grimm, with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, arrive without action figures and Happy Meals -- and bless their sunburned souls for trying to make art during a season of commerce. Perhaps it won't be such a long, hot summer after all. -- Robert Wilonsky The Bad News Bears
With:Billy Bob Thornton, Sammi Kraft and Ridge Canipe

Directed by:Richard Linklater (Before Sunset, Dazed and Confused)

Written by:Glenn Ficarra and John Requa, based on the original by Bill Lancaster

What it's about:A broken-down, beer-guzzling Little League coach (Thornton) takes on a diamondful of hopeless-but-feisty kids who start to win and, with that, renew the old man's spirit.

Why it will be fabulous:Thornton has a way of giving an edge to icons. If he can make Santa hip, he can do the same for sandlot ball.

Why it will be dreadful: It's awfully hard to top 1976's original Bears as a baseball movie -- or as an endorsement of redemption. Sorry, unless the kids shoot steroids, this is bound to seem corny.

Batman Begins
With: Christian Bale, Katie Holmes, Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Written by: David Goyer (Blade)

What it's about: This relaunching of the moribund franchise tells how Bruce Wayne (Bale) became the Dark Knight after seeing his parents executed in a Gotham City alley. In this version, Bruce heads to the Himalayas to train (with Neeson, shades of The Phantom Menace) and returns to Gotham to find a bad city run by a good cop, Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), and overrun with creepy villains, chief among them The Scarecrow (Cillian Murphy).

Why it will be fabulous: No Joel Schumacher, no Alicia Silverstone, no Batnipples. Did I mention no Joel Schumacher?

Why it will be dreadful: Because origin stories are boring, and because the idea of sitting through one more Liam Neeson "training session" is about as appealing as sliding down the Batpole naked.

Bewitched
With:Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell, Shirley MacLaine and Michael Caine

Written and directed by:Nora Ephron (Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally)

What it's about:A spin-off of the sitcom: A TV producer revives the classic show and inadvertently casts a real witch in the title role. Enter Kidman.

Why it will be fabulous:If the acidic journalist and fictioneer Ephron has put some punch into it, this could prove to be dark fun. The cast is certainly high-octane, and the plot-tinkering sounds interesting.

Why it will be dreadful:The reason this was canceled is that the one-joke premise grew stale. It's no fresher today.

Broken Flowers
With:Bill Murray, Sharon Stone, Tilda Swinton, Jessica Lange and Julie Delpy

Written and directed by:Jim Jarmusch

What it's about: Murray plays Don Johnston (heh), an aging, sweatsuit-sporting lothario who's dumped by his young girlfriend (Delpy) just as he receives news of a 20-year-old son he never knew. (Shades of The Life Aquatic, but still...) Jeffrey Wright (Basquiat) is the pal who convinces Murray to take a trip down Amnesia Lane to see his old lovers, including Stone and Swinton and Lange and other all-stars, and find out if any of them might be the mother.

Why it will be fabulous: Did you not just read the synopsis?

Why it will be dreadful:Seriously, read it again.

The Brothers Grimm
With: Matt Damon and Heath Ledger

Directed by: Terry Gilliam

Written by: Ehren Kruger

What it's about:A fictionalized fantasy about the German fairy-tale authors, here portrayed as con men who lift fake curses, only to encounter a genuine form of black magic that will force them to deal with things they've only written about.

Why it will be fabulous: After Gilliam's aborted Don Quixote effort, The Brothers Grimm sees him back in fantasy mode, which is what he does best.

Why it will be dreadful: Its release was postponed for a year, as Miramax's Harvey Weinstein tried recutting it. His version then scored lower with test audiences than Gilliam's did.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
With: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore and Helena Bonham Carter