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Whitney's Dookie Bubble

Being Bobby Brown is not all fun and games

About halfway through the disc, though, Acoustic's plodding tempos and Morissette's oddly phrased caterwauls started to grate on our nerves. The onetime champion of diary-entry bloodletting became so bland and even-keeled that she might as well have been channeling the Coldplay album also for sale near the register. Her refreshing emotional meltdowns, vibrant yowls and kick-ass headbanging skills were all reduced to an album suitable for family-ferrying minivans. Wack didn't think it was possible, but Starbucks feels way too hip to be endorsing Ms. Morissette's Acoustic endeavor. -- Annie Zaleski

CRITICAL FATWA

All hail Janis Joplin and bow down to Madonna and the Slits. For we have a pretender in our ranks, and we must call her out. Lindsay Lohan, you are under critical fatwa!

Make no mistake: We do not take umbrage with your decision to flit about like a drug-addled strumpet. That is your right as a star. For this is rock and roll, and we prefer Nico and Debbie Harry to the Indigo Girls, just as we prefer Jimi Hendrix to John Denver. So, by all means, keep up the drinking, feuding, partying and spectacle-making, as that is all in accordance with the laws of rock. (You might want to eat something, though.)

No, it is not your harlot act that has offended the gods of rock. It is your song "First," from the Herbie: Fully Loaded soundtrack, that we must take issue with. You were angered when the movie execs pulled "First" from the film. Perhaps, young lady, they just happened to listen to it. It does not sound like second-rate Avril Lavigne. It wouldn't be a Kelly Clarkson B-side. No, what you have turned into is a poor man's Ashlee Simpson, and that is a step too far. At long last, Miss Lohan, have you no shame?

Fatwa! A day will come when no VIP-room velvet ropes will part at the sight of you, and you shall gnash your teeth and pull your hair, but to no avail.

It is written. -- The Ayatollah of Rock

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