Crüe Cuts

On the phone with the Mötley bunch

Here's a tip for any and all rappers out there: Get some better concepts and stop with these predictable-ass marijuana songs. We all know it's just a scheme anyway. Rappers are too bitchmade to carry their own weed, so they make these stupid-ass weed ballads so that idiots in the front row can get closer to their idols by passing on stage the blunt they've been saving the whole night. Sorry, dumbfucks, but your favorite rapper doesn't care how long it took you to roll that shit -- he's just too cheap to buy his own bag, so he resorts to bumming dirt weed off idiots who paid too much to get in anyway. You think that grill paid for itself? No, jackass -- he saved the money by not buying his own drugs and bumming your shit instead. What a bunch of cheap assholes. -- Sergio Ornelas

Journey to the Center of Your Mind

It ain't easy being Journey. In an age where irony is an essential bit of cultural currency, the mulleted head of Journey has been perpetually on the pike. The band's anthemic ballads and populist rockers, once unmovable from the charts, are now considered cock-rockin' cheese.

...Journey now.
...Journey now.

But while it's easy to take a swing at a band like Journey, why not find that little piece of your soul, unhardened by indie-rock elitism, and embrace it? Do so now, and you'll be just in time for their big show this Friday at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion. Purists will contend that, since iconic lead singer Steve Perry and the rest of the group have acrimoniously gone their "Separate Ways" (ha!), this isn't the real Journey. Ignoring the naysayers, the band is using this tour to celebrate 30 years of Journey, so we thought it would be fitting to give our top 30 reasons why we love Journey. However, 30 is a big number and, well, it's only Journey. If Dennis DeYoung gets back together with Styx, we'll happily pull out all the stops. Until then, here are 13 reasons to love Journey -- shamelessly and unironically.

13. In an effort to soften the blow of changing lead singers, Journey swapped one longhaired, high-voiced Steve (Perry) with another (Augeri).

12. Journey Escape, the 1982 Atari game that entrusted gamers with keeping band members safe from libidinous groupies and shady concert promoters

11. The band's tear-jerking episode of Behind the Music, wherein Perry bemoans his status as a pariah in the band he led

10. "Faithfully," a staple of all Hoosier wedding receptions since 1983

9. Rodney Dangerfield's golf bag in Caddyshack, which blared "Any Way You Want It," to the dismay of the bluebloods on the course

8. The pseudo-Egyptian/cosmic-insect artwork on the band's LPs

7. Steve Perry's long, flowing hair and tight, tight pants

6. Founding members Neal Schon and Gregg Rolie formed Journey after leaving Santana, inadvertently paving the way for Carlos Santana's stunning late-'90s comeback -- oh wait, sorry, that's from the "Thirteen Reasons to Hate Journey" list.

5. The fact that you can hear a Journey gem every hour, on the hour, on the Arrow (93.7 FM) and any other classic rock station

4. The roller-rink scene in Charlize Theron's Monster, making "Don't Stop Believin'" the official theme song of lesbian serial killers everywhere

3. Lovin'

2. Touchin'

1. Squeezin' -- Andrew Marcus

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