Rock and Roll Bestiary

"The band was originally called 'Tiger Cried Beef Performs the Bill Shatner Martial Arts Experience,' which could be shortened to TCB performs the BS MAX. We still bill ourselves that way occasionally.

"I just wanted a name that said, 'Freaks are welcome here'…I searched for our name on the Web and didn't come up with anything other than a handful of Thai restaurants, which was another factor in me liking it. When I saw that there was another Tiger band I winced. I knew there must be some out there but still hated confronting that reality."

Tiger Mouth, Gainesville, Florida, www.keithwelsh.com

Question answered by Keith Welsh, the sole member of this one-man project: "I actually was just flipping through a book and said, 'Wow, "tiger moth" is a cool name for a band.' The person next to me said, 'Did you say Tiger Mouth?'

"For the last nine years I've released music and played under the name Keith Welsh. It served me well but I wanted to start over. I wanted the idea to be that I am a little tiger with very sharp teeth, and I can lick my own anus."

ROCK AND ROLL ZODIAC

Lion

Noted for lying around fucking, fighting and farting (males); hunting down prey, giving birth, raising young, generally doing all the work around here (females). Reigning over the Serengeti (both).

Bands include Pedro the Lion, Mad Lion, Jah Lion, White Lion, Roaring Lion, Willie "the Lion" Smith, Lionsheart, Doleful Lions, Leo Sayer, Lionel Richie, Lionel Hampton, Los Leones del Norte, Los Leones de Durango.

Songs include "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "The Lion and the Lamb," The Lion King soundtrack.

Most favored by Christians, Jamaicans, British metal groups, and norteño conjuntos.

Tiger

Noted for stalking prey, running around in circles until they turn into butter, enjoying swimming.

Bands include Le Tigre, Los Tigres del Norte, Actual Tigers, Growling Tiger and several other calypso artists, Alaska the Tiger, When Tigers Fight, Oh No and the Tiger Pit, Tiger B. Smith, Tiger Saw, Tigers and Monkeys, Glass Tiger, So So Many White Tigers, Kissing Tigers, Tiger Love Kiss, Tiger vs. Crane, Selby Tigers, Tiger Mouth, Tiger Cried Beef, the Tigerlillies.

Songs include "Eye of the Tiger," "Tiger Rag," "Tiger by the Tail," "Ride the Tiger," "Tiger in Your Tank," "I'm a Tiger," "Tiger Beat."

Most favored by cutesy-pie American indie rockers, calypso legends and Muddy Waters.

Bear

Noted for looking fiercer and slower than they are, immense strength, liking honey, eating less meat than you might think, fishing for salmon in rushing creeks, sleeping a lot.

Bands include Minus the Bear, Shark and Bear, Bear vs. Shark, Tiger Bear Wolf, the Bears (Adrian Belew's old band), Squirrel vs. Bear, DJ Bear Who?

Songs include "Running Bear," "Teddy Bear," "Jack the Bear," "Bear Cat," "B.J. and the Bear" (who was really a chimp), "Teddy Bear's Picnic," "Bear Skin Rug."

Most favored by 1950s rockabilly artists.

Shark

Noted for eating people, never getting cancer, having no bones except teeth, seeking revenge in a long series of movie sequels, being really dumb.

Bands include Bear vs. Shark, We Versus the Shark, Sharks and Sailors, Shark and Bear, Shark Attack (from Galveston, by the way), the Sharks, Sharkbait, Great White, Feargal Sharkey.

Songs include the theme from Jaws and nothing else to speak of.

Most favored by Florida reggae bands full of old white dudes who "party" and Sam's Boat-type cover bands when "shark" is used alone. However, as with bears, when the shark is pitted against something in combat, it's gonna be an indie rock band.

Wolf

Noted for stamina, team spirit, spirit of freedom, cleverness, embodying evil in numerous fables, being from Montreal.

Bands include (see above) or AIDS Wolf, Wolf Eyes, Wolf Parade, Fuckwolf, Walter "Wolfman" Washington, Wolf Mother, Wolf and Cub, Superwolf, Guitar Wolf, MC Peanut Butter Wolf, We Are Wolves, We're Wolves, Los Lobos, Jean Le Loup, Wolfeblitzer, Wolf Pup, Wolfcookie, Wolf Van Styles, Tiger Bear Wolf, Wolf Powder, Wolfenriz, Steppenwolf, Peter Wolf, Howlin' Wolf and many more.

Songs include "Hungry Like the Wolf," "Will the Wolf Survive," "The Leader of the Pack."

Most favored by hip Quebecois bands and other darlings of the CMJ set circa 2005.

Monkeys

Noted for sociability, eating bananas, using tools, using sign language/talking, slumming it in TV commercials, masturbating publicly and shit-flinging.

Bands include the Monkees, Bling Kong, Chango Jackson, Monkey Boy, Monkey Mafia, DJ Monkey.

Songs include "Brass Monkey," "Space Monkey," "Monkey Man" (Rolling Stones), "Monkey Man" (Toots and the Maytals/the Specials), "Shock the Monkey."

Most favored by DJs/electronica dudes.

Goats

Noted for eating everything from grass to rusted-out tractors, fainting humorously, kicking/butting things, symbolizing Satan.

Bands include Goat, the Mountain Goats, Goatsblood, Goatwhore, Goatslaughter, Goatfucker, Goathammer Abortion and Goat of Moses.

Songs include "The Goat," by Sonny Boy Williamson.