Vagina Music Roundup

A scintillating survey

If the kind reader will indulge Wack in a little cultural trend analysis: In the movie Walking and Talking (1996), Ann Heche's husband (played by Todd Field) turns off a cassette of Lilith Fair-esque warbling during a road trip, saying, "Do we really have to listen to this vagina music all the way there?" much to the consternation of Ann H. and her pal Catherine Keener. Years later, in an episode from season four of Six Feet Under (2004), a female friend turns off a CD emitting similar trills from Lauren Ambrose's bedroom stereo, saying, "Okay, you guys are gonna have to change this vagina music, like, immediately!" to which our Claire Fisher merely chuckles. Now that's progress! In this spirit we would like to fling open Wack's doors to recent CDs pertaining to all things vaginal.

Jasy Andrews, Little Girl, Versailles Records

This youth-encrusted, fourth-generation, Joni Mitchell-style singer-songwriter is certainly an example of vagina music nonpareil. Andrews credits herself with playing "lead piano" on this 18-song double disc. Does that mean she uses only her right hand? And there's no "rhythm piano" credit, which doesn't seem fair. Hey, check it out: She does "Private Dancer," a Bon Jovi song and "Patience" by G'n'F'n'R! Sample lyric: "Stay with me tonight / And I will treat you right." Hmm, where have we encountered rhyme schemes like this before? Oh, yes, that's right: Everywhere…We do kind of like the distorted Keane-painting-style eyes on the discs, but we wonder if they're actually supposed to be creepy…Lyric from the title song: "I'm just a little girl and I'm on my knees." And we'll just let that one go.

Shooter Jennings is packin' heat.
Shooter Jennings is packin' heat.
Hall & Oates wish they were this 
Hall & Oates wish they were this funny...

Various artists, The 40 Year-Old Virgin: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, Shout Factory

That rarest of things, a surprisingly good soundtrack to a surprisingly good film, this s/t even sports a clear narrative flow from song to song. Joe Walsh documents the untested lover's "Life of Illusion" to kick things off; his resolve is declared to the strains of Michael McDonald's smoky yacht rock rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"; and so on through Asia's "Heat of the Moment," Smokey Robinson's "Virgin Man," JoBoxer's "Just Got Lucky," Dr. Hook's "Sharing the Night Together" and Survivor's "The Search Is Over." There's solace for those who've never experienced vagina, odes to the enjoyment of vagina and even, perhaps, a caution to the perils of unsanitary vagina in James Brown's "I Got Ants in My Pants (And I Want to Dance)."

The Pussycat Dolls, PCD, A&M

Everything's spicier in America, even the Spice Girls, whom these vagina-themed, hip-pop/R&B bombshells brazenly rip off. There's a difference, though: Where the Spice Girls at least pretended to be all about female solidarity, these chicks are all about division. The insanely catchy single "Dont'cha" finds molten-hot singer-dancer Nicole Scherzinger (a.k.a. Talented Pussycat) sorely tempting a fellow at some dumpy gal's expense. No "If ya wanna be my lover, ya gotta get with my friends" for these Pussycats. Bonus vagina content: heavy camel-toe action on the back cover of the CD booklet; some variant of the word vagina is beeped out on "Beep"; the clitoris theme of "Buttons" ("Push on my button / but you keep frontin' / I ain't seen nuttin' but you sayin' what you'll do to me"); the possible masturbation theme of "I Don't Need a Man" ("I don't need a man to make it happen"). All that, and a terrible cover of the pussy -- in the sense of wimp -- anthem "Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go."

Three 6 Mafia, "Pussy Got Ya Hooked" (single), Hypnotize Minds/ Sony Urban

Introduced as being "one for the ladies," this track opens with the strains of a string quartet and a female choir taunting the Three 6 dudes with the titular words. "Hell naw," bark back the fellas, who elaborate with a few verses. Fairly standard "perils of good pussy" gangsta rap tune elevated to something more by cool classical track.

Anthrax, Anthrology: No Hit Wonders (1985-1991), Island; and Alive 2 (2005), Sanctuary

Wack pretty much decided these guys were total pussies way back when they tried to distance themselves from their own name around the time of the post-9/11 terrorist threats. They were all like, "Right now it's not cool to be named Anthrax" …Oh, boo-hoo! Come the fuck on, dudes! You're supposed to be big, mean, heavy and metal! If you wanted people to think you were all nice and shit you shoulda called yourselves Tulip Stamen. It's like when people got upset when that Dimebag Pantera guy got shot onstage by a crazed fan. Tragedy? That's authenticity, man! Walking it like you talk it. Go on and play some John Denver/Jewel-type shit if you don't wanna get your ass shot (actually, Denver's private plane crash death was pretty badass, come to think of it). But, as Ali G would say, we digest. Damn, this is a whole lotta Anthrax: 42 songs over three discs! It's like the Lord of the Rings trilogy of '80s hair metal…These guys do seem to have gotten better as they went along, though. The "Sweet Leaf" quote pretty well rips at the end of their version of "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," as does the Hava Nagila bit that starts the proto-rap-metal jokesterism of "I'm the Man." The cello (we think) intro to "Be All End All" is a nice touch. Plus "Now It's Dark" is a bald-faced tribute to Frank from Blue Velvet. ("Don't you fuckin' look at me," indeed). Also: They recorded with Public Enemy back when that meant something, and they do a totally boss Joe Jackson cover ("Got the Time"). They're still pussies, though.

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