Base Raps

b. Black band T-shirts with tiny holes in them and a black

trench coat. (1 point)

Joe Rocco

How Goth Are You?

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• Chopped and Screwed

c. Infinite blackness (the same color as your empty soul), with

fishnets hanging from a hook behind the door. (3 points)

Your CD collection consists of:

a. Heavy metal, death metal and rock bands. Party on, dude!

(0 points)

b. Dark, ambient music makes my heart sing. Did someone

say trance? (2 points)

c. What a stupid question! (1 point)

d. Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney, man. Have you heard the

new Brooks & Dunn? (-1 point)

Where's your favorite hotspot?

a. At the club, with industrial noise keeping me on the dance

floor. (2 points)

b. As far away from people as I can get, so fuck off! (3 points)

c. Lurking in a cemetery, crying because my parents didn't name me Louis. (1 point)

d. Moshing at a Marilyn Manson concert. (-2 points)

You spend your weekend afternoons (score for each selection):

a. Watching anime. (1 point)

b. Who cares about this fucking question? (2 points)

c. I'd answer, but I'm on my way to play D&D. (1 point)

d. Shopping at Old Navy. (-5 points)

e. Recovering from Friday night's art show -- damn you,

Absinthe! (1 point)

What's your attitude like?

a. Sigh, I hate everything. (2 points)

b. Leave me the fuck alone! (3 points)

c. I'm singing from mountaintops! (0 points)

d. Jesus saves. (-1 point)

When was the last time you read a book by Anne Rice or a comic book by Neil Gaiman?

a. This quiz is interrupting one, in fact. (3 points)

b. Sometime in the last few months. (2 points)

c. I saw the movies, including that shitty one with the dead

singer. (1 point)

d. Aren't Anne Rice books about gay vampires, dude?

You're such a queer. (0 points)

Total score:

(-9 to 0 points): You're as goth as Pat Robertson, Bill O'Reilly or Tom DeLay. Sure, Jesus might love you…but telling everyone He does makes Him hate you. (1 to 8 points): Welcome to Moderate America. (9 to 10 points): You're what's called a Poseur Goth. Return the foundation to the Marshall Field's makeup department and stop trying to piss off your parents. (11 to 14 points): You're a Functional Goth. Basically, you dig the scene, but hey, a guy's gotta work, so the makeup is only for after the closing whistle blows. (15 to 19 points): Your boss thinks you're weird but do your job well so he looks the other way, while your parents think you worship Satan and might be gay. Congratulations, you've been ostracized by society. (20 to 22 points): Oh my Goth! Check your pulse, Prince of Darkness -- we've got a winner.