By Jef With One F
By Rocks Off
By Chris Lane
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
By Angelica Leicht
By Corey Deiterman
Make no mistake, I had style. My early albums had substance too, but not nearly enough to keep the U.S.S. Kanye afloat forever. Sure, I had some legitimate tracks on The College Dropout and Late Registration -- party joints like "Slow Jamz" and "Gold Digger," adversity anthems like "Through the Wire" and "All Falls Down," smoking social commentaries like "Jesus Walks" and "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" -- but the rest was filler, pure and simple. And it wasn't even my caulk filling most of the holes. Christ, on Late Registration alone I had cameos from Jaime Foxx, Common, the Game, Consequence, Cam'ron, Nas, Really Doe, GLC and Paul Wall. Not to mention (sigh) the dude from Maroon 5. But the fact that I was sugarcoating my own flows with the Hip-hop Yellow Pages didn't turn people off nearly as much as my conspiracy theories.
I'll admit I was a little paranoid. Shit, who wasn't in 2005? Nonetheless, I chased people off. They were fine with me saying the government didn't care about black folks. They grinned and bore it when -- on Late Registration -- I suggested AIDS was administered by Whitey to kill Africans ("Heard 'Em Say") and that Ronald Reagan used cocaine to disband the Black Panthers ("Crack Music"). But when I started saying the Michelin Man killed Tupac and Twinkie the Kid was tapping my phones, people thought I went too far. I still see a white Hostess van tailing me sometimes, but what are you gonna do? Snack cakes are bigger than the police.
Attachment 3: Letters of Recommendation
From: Shawn Carter
Occupation: CEO of the R-O-C, part-time H to the OV although I used to sell rocks by the OC, freelance P-I-M-P, full-time Sucker for Acronyms, Dawg (or SAD).
How I know [Applicant]: 'Ye and I have been friends for almost a decade now. And let me tell ya something, it's been a hard knock life for us. I repeat: a hard knock life, for us. Instead of being treated, we've been tricked. Instead of kisses, we've been kicked. And nobody has been kicked harder than Kanye. Life hasn't been the same for him since that tape of him pissing on R. Kelly got out. Even VH1's Remaking: Kanye West didn't work, which is why he needs a second chance. In fact, I think CSU is his only chance.
Occupation: World's Fastest Rapper, the Guy That Wasn't Jamie Foxx on "Slow Jamz"
How I know [Applicant]: Yo, soI'veknownKanyeforawhile,Youseewewerebothfromaround thewayinChicagoandhe'smyniggamostlybecausehehelpedmy careermorethananyothermotherfuckerbutnowhe'ssintrouble soI'mgonnadowhatIcantohelpabruthaout.Hewas,afterall, alwaystheretoputsomeIcyHotonmytongueafterIspitsome blisteringrhymes.NowI'mgonnareturnthefavorbyvouching forhisreadmissionintoChicagoStateUniversity,yaheard?
From: Jamie Foxx
Occupation: Thespian, the Guy That Was Actually Jaime Foxx on "Slow Jamz"
How I Know [Applicant]: I am Kanye West. Or at least I play him in the upcoming made-for-TV movie Westward Expansion about Kanye's copious weight gain after he went off his New Workout Plan. But what can I say? We're both struggling these days.
After Ray and "Gold Digger," I thought we'd found the secret to crossover success. I won a second Oscar for my role in the biopic Hey, Who Turned Out the Lights?: The Stevie Wonder Story and my cameo on Kanye's remix of Wonder's "Superstition" called "Conspiracy (Someone's Hiding in My Closet, Pts. 1-8)" hit the top of the charts. But the cracks were starting to show. Kanye's Big Brother complex was weirding people out.
After that, our careers hit the skids. I stretched the famous-blind-person thing a little too far when I decided to play Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker 2: Out for Blood. It bombed. Not surprising, considering the core audience couldn't see or hear the movie. Nevertheless, I convinced Kanye to let me sing on another track. We were both too focused on another payday to realize that Helen Keller singing the hook on "Set Trippin' Over Furniture" consisted mostly of me moaning incoherently.
I take partial responsibility for Kanye's demise and implore you to accept his application to CSU. His motives might not be entirely pure, but this is all he's got. I ain't saying he's a gold digger, but nowadays there ain't nobody else messing with his broke ass. Speaking of which, could you send me an application?