Girls Gone Wild

It's a regular bacchanal in one small town

When you live in the boonies of Texas, you're living a lifeless, fun-free existence where the religious right stamps out even the most feeble attempts at raciness, correct?

Guess again. Head out to Bremond, a small burg halfway between the teeming metropolises of Waco and College Station. Then find yourself a pep rally, because those guys know how to bring it.

Where else can you find a high school pep rally that features second- and third-grade girls parading around in bikinis? Or a middle school pep rally where boys dress up like girls, fondling their fake breasts made out of balloons in front of kids as small as kindergartners?

Click here to enlarge.
Click here to enlarge.

Now that's pep-rallyin'.

Bremond ISD superintendent Tim Peterson says he sees nothing wrong with the two events, although he didn't attend either one.

So, how did that great idea of eight-year-olds in bikinis come about? Peterson says rumors had spread throughout Bremond High that the cheerleaders would perform in bikinis at the pep rally, and their boyfriends got upset at the prospect.

So the cheerleaders came out draped in towels to the huzzahs of the crowd, then dropped the towels to reveal their uniforms. The laffs kept coming, though, when the elementary kiddies came out in bikinis.

"The whole thing was under the premise that the high school girls were going to do that," Peterson says. "Then just to kind of put it in your face, so to speak, that's where the elementary things came in…The parents of the [elementary students], the majority were there and thought it was great. Oh, I'm not going to say great -- humorous."

Apparently, the cheerleaders could have come out in bikinis and it would have been fine. "I know the high school principal keeps a pretty good thumb on it, and I'm sure there wouldn't have been anything inappropriate," he says. "It would have been done with some class."

(Somehow, we can't read that "done with some class" without saying it in a sleazy strip-club accent, but that's just us. We're not educators.)

The fun didn't end there. The next day was the junior high rally (both events were attended by students from kindergarten through 12th grade). Boys dressed up as cheerleaders, Peterson says, and yes, they had balloon breasts, but no, there wasn't any fondling. That he heard of.

Yes, we're sure middle school boys entertaining a crowd would eschew cheap physical humor in favor of witty repartee about gender issues. Especially in Bremond.

Only one parent officially complained; when she got no response she took her story to the Bryan-College Station Eagle.

Connie Harguth says she couldn't believe what her son told her had happened. "You've got 12- and 14-year-olds watching these nine-year-olds and, you know, they're maturing faster at that age. I just thought, 'What are you guys thinking?' " she told Hair Balls.

Hey, at least there weren't any pole dances involved. We think.

Dicking Around -- The Sequel

The saga of Latin crooner Enrique Iglesias's penis has entered a new stage.

Iglesias, in town to promote a cologne, jokingly told the Houston Press he planned to next introduce a line of extra-small condoms because he knows how tough it is to be unendowed (see Been There, Done That, October 20).

He was joking, but the story resulted in headlines around the world, including one reading "Enrique Iglesias Admits He Has Very Small Penis."

And now comes another headline winner, from the Contactmusic.com Web site: "Iglesias Insists He Is of Regular Size."

The singer, obviously, has gone from grief to denial. (We're kidding, just to make things perfectly clear.)

Contactmusic quotes Iglesias refuting the petite-peter claims: "It's not true and it's hurtful to me and my girlfriend." (Someone's got to say it: If "it" is hurting your girlfriend, you're not extra-small.)

We're not sure of how big a step it is, going from headlines reading "you're tiny" to ones where the best you can do is saying you're "of regular size."

We guess the next installment will have Enrique claiming Ron Jeremy and Iggy Pop are jealous of him.

Border Tales

Local Republican congressman John Culberson took to the Fox News airwaves last month to raise the alarm about illegal immigration.

Two West Texas sheriffs, he said on Hannity & Colmes, "confirmed for me that they had an Al Qaeda terrorist…in the Brewster County jail."

To which the two sheriffs in question have answered, in essence, WTF?

One of the sheriffs, Brewster County's Ronny Dodson, told The Big Bend Sentinel that he had jailed one person "who had drawn a picture on his pants of Osama Bin Laden, and we don't know if that was a joke or not." He said Culberson must have been confused somehow by hearing various stories from border agents.

Tony Essalih, Culberson's press secretary, says there's no confusion. Two other aides of the congressman were present when the sheriffs told them of the terrorist prisoner, he says.

"We really haven't figured out where the communication breakdown was. What he said on the show was what he was told by the sheriffs," Essalih says.

Both sheriffs have been avoiding the non-local media since the story broke, but one staffer at the Brewster County Sheriff's Department said Culberson's people "were lying through their teeth…I told them if they'd bring me an Al Qaeda I'd slap him four times, make him pick up cigarette butts; you know, something really mean. But no, no Al Qaeda [here]."

Who's the Dummy Now?

Rice grad student Richard Booker has written Nanotechnology for Dummies, which is an actual book and not a candidate for the Oxymoron Award.

Booker is a Ph.D. candidate in applied physics, working on creating a carbon nanowire that is more conducive than copper. Hair Balls, on the other hand, thinks copper's just fine.

A Hair Balls correspondent, however, did interview Nobel Prize winner Richard Smalley, a leader in nanotechnology (and Booker's academic adviser) before Smalley died in October. We ran some Smalley quotes by Booker:

Q. "In the late '70s and early '80s, I developed a pulse laser to zap molecules that were just about to come out of the supersonic nozzle." What the heck does that mean?

A. Ohhh [pause]. Um, that's… [pause]. Oh, I don't know. See, I'm not familiar with all of his research. I don't know exactly what he did in the '70s. I could take a stab at it, but I'd rather not because I don't know in what context it's being used. I'm sorry.

Q. "The laser generates a super-hot plasma that is hotter than the surface of the sun."

A. Umm, geeez, you are getting me with these definitions. Plasma, ummm [pause]. Aww [pause]. Plasma is a gas of charged particles, and you can see it in lightning.

Moral: Do not mess with Hair Balls when it comes to nanotechnology!

Nanotechnology, in case you don't know, involves very, very, very small things. Like Enrique Iglesias's penis. (We kid!)

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