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Cave In, with Doomriders and Lorene Drive

Friday, December 16, at Walter's on Washington, 4215 Washington Avenue, 713-864-2727.

Chunklet magazine's indispensable and spot-on "Overrated Issue, pt II" is just the tool any discernable music aficionado needs this coming Commerce-mas. Specifically, the article titled "Band Bio Dictionary," wherein staff writer and Polyphonic Spree drummer ("Oil, meet water") Brian Teasley teaches all who care how to break down that terminally boring, "irritatingly patronizing" music-industry bag of hype known as the one-sheet. For those unawares, the one-sheet is a quick and tidy device used to cram as much BS about a band or new album as attention-deficient music writers can handle in a quick once-over. Riddled with overused catchphrases like "on acid" or "whiskey-soaked" or "cathartic," many one-sheets read the exact same way. Take the names off the top of them and you'd confuse the new Shooter Jennings album with the new Babyshambles.

Teasley helps break down the riffraff like this: "If a one-sheet reveals [a band] is 'challenging,' it really means…their record has absolutely no fucking hooks." Another example good for a gas is what it means when a band's one-sheet describes their new work as a "return to form." According to Teasley, "the band has sold out and compromised enough to recreate a watered-down version of what they were when everyone liked them."

Enter the one-sheet for Doomriders. The kids are having fun. They hail from the "polar caverns of Antarctica" and have "honed their genius into a pure and concentrated laser that can shoot right out of their eyes." What this says about their sound is anyone's guess, but at least they don't resort to using the words "experimental," "enigmatic" or "introspective." Want more? How about this, they can also "piss tidal waves out of their dicks." The self-proclaimed "GREATEST BAND IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER TO EXIST" (caps theirs) opens for ten-year-old hardcore heavyweights Cave In, whose new record, Perfect Pitch Black, is described on their one-sheet as "a return to form." Just sayin'.

 
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