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It's In The Cards

The Nick-and-Jessica split, tarot-style

Fatwa! May the charges stick next time, and may 50 Cent (a man much more comfortable with his contradictions) continue to spank you in your lopsided feud. It is written. -- The Ayatollah of Rock

HISTORY NEVER REPEATS
Getting presidential with it

Following the successful release of The Bill Clinton Collection: Selections from the Clinton Music Room, the estates of at least four other presidents -- including William Henry Harrison and John F. Kennedy -- scrambled to put together their own music compilations in time for the holiday season.

The CD honoring William Henry Harrison is tentatively titled Beginnings and will feature the first minute of 30 different songs, one for each day he served in office. "We'd like people to remember him for something other than, well, dying," explains Sarah Pulliam of the William Henry Harrison Memorial State Park in North Bend, Ohio. "After all, the Claims Convention was signed with Peru during his time in office. Oh, and he was secretary of the Northwest Territory." Rumored to have been included on the CD is the first minute of Johnny Rivers's "Rockin' Pneumonia," a lighthearted nod to the illness that claimed the life of the ninth president as a result of his particularly long, hatless inauguration speech in freezing weather.

Having the distinction of its namesake being the only swinging bachelor to live in the White House, the James Buchanan Society is marketing to the 18-to-35 male demographic with music fit for a White House bender -- one complete with togas and already appropriately dressed Supreme Court justices. Its playlist pulls heavily from the Beastie Boys ("Hey Ladies" and "Funky Boss" are two) and Sublime's 40 Oz. to Freedom. While the James Buchanan Society concedes that Buchanan was never in a fraternity while in college, they say he totally hung out with guys who were. And he was really kind of a hottie.

Kennedy's forthcoming release, Video Killed the Incumbent Vice President, links JFK across generations to other great Americans -- like Kelly Clarkson -- who were voted upon by the American public owing largely to their television appearances and general good looks. The Kennedy estate has remained quiet as to the other inclusions on the album, saying only that there will be preview copies available after all Masses next weekend.

At press time, the Supposed Illegitimate Sons and Daughters of Thomas Jefferson would neither confirm nor deny the whispered existence of their own collection, reportedly called T.J.'s Hiztory Jamz. -- Kristie McClanahan

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