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It's In The Cards

The Nick-and-Jessica split, tarot-style

Yeah, Wack is superstitious. So what, wanna fight about it? We don't walk under ladders, step on cracks or let black cats cross our paths. Doesn't mean we're pussies. Just says we're aware that there's a greater spiritual force at work in the world and that we respect it. We get our palms read, talk to 1-900 psychics and scrutinize our horoscopes each and every morning. This week, a first-quarter sun-moon phase is knocking at our door, energizing 17 degrees of Sagittarius and Pisces…or something. Any fool worth his salt in black magic knows what that means: We have gotto get our tarot cards read.

And that's just what we did. But there's more! Afterward, Madam Fraudisafelony told us we could get a tarot reading for friends, families and acquaintances. All we'd need was a picture or simply something that "spoke to the person's aura." Shit sounded like a scam to us, an obvious way to make us spill more beans.

Naturally, we were back the next day. To do the public a favor, we brought by a picture of Nick Lachey so we could see what is, literally, "in the cards" for America's biggest hanger-on. To evoke his soon-to-be-ex-wife Jessica Simpson's aura, we had a bag of wet rocks and a can of Chicken of the Sea in tow. Our tarot reader had never heard of either Nick or Jess -- something about TV swallowing your soul -- which makes the startling accuracy of her readings all the more incredible. How did the ex-couple fare? What follows are their readings.

First card, Jessica: The Magician

According to Madam F, the Magician means Jessica has a mastery of the material world. Ya think? Her horrible albums sell millions of copies, and the public clamors for her terribly tacky edible body powders. There's something to this tarot.

First card, Nick: The Chariot, reversed

Nick's first card, the Chariot, is a symbol of triumph over adversity, but it came off the deck upside down, which means it is reversed, or the opposite. Essentially what this means is that he better get used to sleeping on the floor of Matt Leinart's apartment.

Second card, Jessica: The Fool

Jessica pulls the Fool for her second card. Don't laugh just yet. Madam F explains that it is a noble card. It means new beginnings, the start of a new life cycle. Like, ummm, impending divorce or something. It also means bitch is dumb.

Second card, Nick: Death

Death, like the Fool, is a transition card. It symbolizes a new start -- specifically, one involving a shit ton of Miller Lite and pickup work on bad WB sitcoms. Possibly a host gig on basic cable.

Third card, Jessica: The Wheel of Fortune

The Wheel of Fortune is similar in nature to the Magician. Put one way, Jessica is very, very lucky in matters of life. Or, put another way, America has a soft spot for tan blonds with huge cans.

Madam F: "Wheel of Fortune is similar in nature to Magician. Very lucky, this girl. 'How else could you explain Dukes of Hazzard being a summer blockbuster?' cards ask me."

Third card, Nick: The Emperor

Madam F: "The Emperor is competitive. Huge fanatic of University of Cincinnati basketball and USC football, this one is. Remember how, on the show, he was always watching USC games and ignoring Jessica? Remember how ecstatic he was when USC won the Orange Bowl? Ahem. I mean, I can see that here…in the cards. I'm just that fucking good!"

Final card, Jessica: The Moon

Naughty Jess, the Moon means you've been deceptive. It symbolizes trickery -- she's no doubt having a three-way with Jackasses Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville as you read this.

Final card, Nick: The Hanged Man, reversed

In upright position the Hanged Man reads as stick-to-itiveness. In reverse it is an unwillingness to make an effort. Basically, in this case, it means Nick no longer wants to deal with father-in-law Joe Simpson, who, the cards say, is a major-league asshole. -- Brian McManus

CRITICAL FATWA

All hail Dr. Dre, who has spent his life lying down with dogs yet never catching fleas (or bullets). Unlike so many of those around him, Dre has always known that gangsta rap is music, not life. But there are so many others who foolishly think that they are somehow less cartoonish than Alice Cooper, yet at the same time get angry when anyone takes their boasts seriously. For the most ironic gangsta rap moment since C-Murder was convicted of murder -- i.e., Ja Rule accusing the government of racial profiling for pursuing his bosses, the (fake) Gotti Brothers -- we fatwa you, Ja Rule!

Oh, Mr. Rule (né Jeffrey Atkins), you posturing, puffed-up 21st-century Stepin Fetchit. You run around like a hooting, shirtless and semiliterate criminal thug. Your catchphrase is "It's murder!" (Not exactly "We shall overcome.") Who's hurting black men more, Jeffrey: money-laundering probes or you? (You know how the government is always accusing black men of money laundering!)

We love gangsta rap, if not the weak tea put out by Ja. But we also don't go around wondering why the feds might be interested in men who change their last name to Gotti and found a company called Murder, Inc. You don't have to be a racist pig to remember what happened over at Death Row Records. Or the murder of Biggie Smalls, Tupac Shakur, Jam Master Jay (or the many more obscure murders reaching back to Scott La Rock). Face it, Jeffrey: If people weren't afraid of being called racist for agreeing with you that you are a thug, there would be congressional hearings on your industry.

Fatwa! May the charges stick next time, and may 50 Cent (a man much more comfortable with his contradictions) continue to spank you in your lopsided feud. It is written. -- The Ayatollah of Rock

HISTORY NEVER REPEATS
Getting presidential with it

Following the successful release of The Bill Clinton Collection: Selections from the Clinton Music Room, the estates of at least four other presidents -- including William Henry Harrison and John F. Kennedy -- scrambled to put together their own music compilations in time for the holiday season.

The CD honoring William Henry Harrison is tentatively titled Beginnings and will feature the first minute of 30 different songs, one for each day he served in office. "We'd like people to remember him for something other than, well, dying," explains Sarah Pulliam of the William Henry Harrison Memorial State Park in North Bend, Ohio. "After all, the Claims Convention was signed with Peru during his time in office. Oh, and he was secretary of the Northwest Territory." Rumored to have been included on the CD is the first minute of Johnny Rivers's "Rockin' Pneumonia," a lighthearted nod to the illness that claimed the life of the ninth president as a result of his particularly long, hatless inauguration speech in freezing weather.

Having the distinction of its namesake being the only swinging bachelor to live in the White House, the James Buchanan Society is marketing to the 18-to-35 male demographic with music fit for a White House bender -- one complete with togas and already appropriately dressed Supreme Court justices. Its playlist pulls heavily from the Beastie Boys ("Hey Ladies" and "Funky Boss" are two) and Sublime's 40 Oz. to Freedom. While the James Buchanan Society concedes that Buchanan was never in a fraternity while in college, they say he totally hung out with guys who were. And he was really kind of a hottie.

Kennedy's forthcoming release, Video Killed the Incumbent Vice President, links JFK across generations to other great Americans -- like Kelly Clarkson -- who were voted upon by the American public owing largely to their television appearances and general good looks. The Kennedy estate has remained quiet as to the other inclusions on the album, saying only that there will be preview copies available after all Masses next weekend.

At press time, the Supposed Illegitimate Sons and Daughters of Thomas Jefferson would neither confirm nor deny the whispered existence of their own collection, reportedly called T.J.'s Hiztory Jamz. -- Kristie McClanahan

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