I Feel Pretty

The official 2006 guide to not looking like Kevin Federline

Comments (0) By Thomas Blanton Thursday, Jan 19 2006

Metro His Spa is the first full-service facility for men in Texas.

Relaxing in Metro's pool, away from prying eyes.

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Of course, just knowing which brand names are in and where to find them does not mean that the actual shopping takes care of itself. Men, as a gender, don't like to look clueless in any area of life, and I'm no exception. Shopping for clothes makes me so edgy that if sales associates ask me if I need assistance, either I babble incoherently and run out of the store, creating the impression that they just foiled a shoplifter, or I automatically buy whatever I have in my hand, which is why so many of my clothes sport epaulets. But, my fashion counselors assure me, there's an easy trick to overcome this, and Todd's Place is laid out perfectly to pull it off. Enter with a style-oriented female companion. Immediately break and head to the appropriate side of the store, as prescribed by your sex (the men's clothes are on the right). Browse the merchandise, keeping a generous distance but always facing each other. Hold up a particular garment directly in your accomplice's line of sight, and pretend to examine the thread count. Through simple nods, headshakes or subtly sticking her finger down her throat, she can direct you to the wisest fashion choices.

So, there you have it: the official 2006 guide to not looking like Kevin Federline. Of course, there is a slight chance that the upcoming year will herald Mr. Britney Spears as an undisputed fashion icon, in which case we're all screwed. But until such time occurs, stick with private spa treatments and deconstructed menswear. Trust me: A bevy of gay men and a Post Oak boutique can't be wrong.