New Year's Resolutions for Houston

We have a lot to forgive and forget about 2005; here's hoping local celebs do better next year

As workaday Houstonians, we are all united in one thing: We will make New Year's resolutions, and we will break them by Groundhog Day. But what of the high and mighty, the rich and powerful, the bold and the beautiful? Don't they have anything they want to change in 2006? Here are our ideas -- offered free of charge -- that some prominent Houstonians might want to consider.

Tom DeLay, U.S. congressman: "I resolve to always look as good as my mug shot during 2006."

The man who recently stepped down as House majority leader is facing more indictments and court time than Michael Jackson after a month in Boys Town, but did you check out that mug shot? Jesus. The guy looks like a million bucks, flashing that megawatt smile and a demeanor that says "I enjoy screwing donkeys up the ass" (in the figurative sense, of course). Take out that Harris County booking slate, and you could easily transfer that photo to the cover of GQ -- or at least Fat Cat Quarterly.

DeLay should forget all that muckety-muck about influence-peddling, exotic paid-for golf trips and putting most of his immediate family on a hefty salary for "consultation." He should clear his troubled mind and become a male model. The houses of Hilfiger and Versace should be vying desperately to clad the Sultan of Sugar Land as he strolls down the halls of power in Washington. In the words of Fernando, you, Tom DeLay, you look fab-o-lus!

Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church: "I resolve to preach more from the Bible in 2006."

We certainly don't want to take anything away from last year's ultimate Local Boy Done Good. After taking over the pulpit from his late father, Joel Osteen has become a global religious phenomenon with an immense TV ministry, a No. 1 book (Your Best Life Now) and a new home for the nation's largest church in the former Compaq Center, a place more familiar to, say, the devout followers of the Houston Rockets and Mötley Crüe than the Holy Spirit (we do hope the renovators got all those used condoms out of the bathrooms from the Shout at the Devil era).

But often Osteen relies heavily for source material on the Book of Tony -- Tony Robbins, that is. There's much talk about "discovering the champion in you" -- but not much about Jesus Christ -- in his mainly motivational sermons. After hearing them, you want to not only give your life to God but follow "Ten Steps to Increasing Positivity" and sell more copies of Grit than anyone else in your class. Still, if one of the earthly rewards is getting a hot mama like Victoria for a wife (despite her recent travel problems), can you blame someone for not spending too much time on the boring old Book of Leviticus?

Beyoncé Knowles, Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child: "We resolve to really stay broken up in 2006."

These three bootylicious babes are the most successful music act to come out of Houston. But come on now, ladies, how can we miss you if you won't leave?

After going on hiatus once to pursue solo projects -- during which time Beyoncé's solo star shone brightest (it helps to stand out when your parents run the group and you're in the center of every photo) -- the trio released Destiny Fulfilled and launched a long good-bye tour and media blitz that made Howard Stern's look like a smoke break. And as if to sop up every last potential dollar, Destiny really amped up their endorsements, despite the fact that it's unlikely they actually frequent said businesses. ("McDonald's fruit and walnut salad? We're lovin' it!" "We always buy our family Christmas gifts at Wal-Mart!") And, of course, who can forget the BET Awards Show, where these self-professed good Christian girls gave on-stage lap dances so steamy that many viewers felt compelled to stuff dollar bills into their cable boxes.

But let's face it: The modern-day Supremes busting apart is hardly in the same league as the Beatles' rooftop farewell. And there's little doubt that the trio -- or at least Beyoncé and some ringers -- won't get back together "because the fans demanded it" sometime in the future. Just take some time off, though, before staging a "Destiny Reunited!" tour. Or at least wait until your latest projects do a Mariah Carey-style Glitter tanking.

Robert Durst, millionaire crossdressing murderer: "I resolve to stay out of prison in 2006."

Forget about O.J. getting away with murder. Here's a guy who admitted to killing, dismembering and dumping the body of a neighbor in Galveston Bay and still managed to get a not-guilty verdict back in 2003. Even the black cloud of suspicion in his first wife's still-unsolved disappearance and his, um, unorthodox dressing habits didn't sink him. So you'd think this guy would do everything he could to not tempt fate again, right?

Not exactly. Durst was arrested and jailed again last month for violating parole for returning to Galveston and his former residence there. When a former neighbor who testified against him at the murder trial saw him standing there in the flesh (cue the theme from Halloween), that good citizen was undoubtedly surprised. A few days earlier, in a freak coincidence, Durst also ran into Judge Susan Criss, who presided over the trial, while shopping at the Galleria. We suggest that as soon as he gets out, Durst get himself an Xbox 360 and as many cable channels as possible and just chill at his crib for a while.

1
 
2
 
All
 
Next Page »
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
 
Houston Concert Tickets
Loading...