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Into the Frey

If you thought A Million Little Pieces was a pack of lies, wait till you check out the Mötley Cre biography

James Frey lied. We know that now. He's admitted as much. Frey took it on the teeth in front of millions a few weeks back on Oprah, the titular host of which he'd duped, along with other readers, into believing really earth-shattering shit about his ability to have a root canal sans pain medication and the exact way some tragic girl he'd been putting the wood to offed herself.

As Frey was being clubbed like a baby seal, blinking and dazed, by writers from The New York Times and The Washington Post, Wack wondered if he ever thought, "Man, has O never read a rock 'n' roll biography? Those things are chock-full o' lies!" It's true. Wack reads lots of 'em.

By far, the most egregious of the rock bio fantasies is Mötley Crüe's The Dirt, where, if you counted, you'd find approximately ten lies per paragraph. We at Wack took the book, opened it randomly and picked the first lie we came upon on each page. We think a dressing down of Nikki Sixx is in order, Oprah-style!

The Dirt
The Dirt
Mick Mars of Mötley Crüe
Mick Mars of Mötley Crüe
Critical Fatwa
Critical Fatwa

Our findings follow.

1. Page 207, Nikki Sixx

"It was so funny to me that everyone thought I was dead that, as soon as I returned home, I walked to my answering machine and changed the message. 'Hey, it's Nikki. I'm not home because I'm dead.' "

Fact: Despite his attempt at machismo, Nikki didn't find his near-death funny in the least. He changed his answering machine's outgoing message to De La Soul's "Hey, How Ya Doin'," which was popular at the time.

2. Page 210, Mötley manager Doc McGhee

"Of course, Vince can't entirely be blamed for his behavior."

Fact: Yes, Vince can be blamed for his behavior. Entirely.

3. Page 303, Vince Neil on the death of his daughter, Skylar

"I drank, golfed, and passed out for what was probably another month. I was lost to the world. I put myself in Limbo: it looked like heaven and I felt like hell. One day I shot a seventy-six and became so excited that I scared myself. I wasn't supposed to be this happy. Skylar was gone. What was I doing? I was running, I was hiding, I was playing golf at a resort."

Fact: The paragraph above checks out, but conspicuously absent is Neil's love of badminton at this point in his life.

4. Page 247, Mötley manager Doug Thaler

"Ronnie James Dio changed my life -- twice."

Fact: Ronnie James Dio has never changed anyone's life. Even once.

5. Page 23, Mick Mars and Nikki Sixx meet for the first time at Magnolia Liquor on Burbank Boulevard, where Nikki works. They both deduce that the other looks like "the rock 'n' roll type" and exchange numbers.

Fact: Both would more accurately be described as "the asshole type."

6. Page 39, Mick Mars

"When I was in elementary school in the fifties…"

Fact: Mick Mars attended elementary school in the 1800s.

7. Page 43, Tommy Lee is introduced into the narrative

"Duuuuuude. Fuck yeah. Finally. How much room is Nikki going to get, bro? Fuck. Dude, it's bad, but it's all good. All fucking good."

Fact: Tommy's first "dude" should be spelled with eight u's and not six. The rest is generally correct.

8. Page 420, Mick Mars on the love of his life, Robbie

"She wasn't into drinking or drugging or nasty stuff, and, consequently, she has helped me stay straight and narrow."

Fact: No woman could physically bring herself to be with Mick Mars without the aid of drinking, drugging or nasty stuff.

9. Page 78, Nikki Sixx

"I went to jail that night covered in smeared makeup, finger nail polish, and blood."

Fact: While generally correct, it should be noted that Nikki Sixx went virtually everywhere covered in smeared makeup, nail polish and blood.

10. Page 98, After being harassed by cops with chants of "Nice hair, girls!" Nikki, Tommy and Mötley drum tech Spidey lined up and each took a piss in the rolled-down window of the officers' squad car, outrunning the cops on foot shortly after.

Fact: Okay, so, Wack is having fun with all this…just taking the piss out of the Crüe's braggadocio, but honestly, come on! Wack has been pulled over and ticketed for running a red light on a bicycle; meanwhile, these obviously recognizable eyesores are able to lose the law in a crowd…after emptying their bladders in the back seat. Suuuuuuure. Please forgive our cynicism. Frey's got nothing on these guys.

Okay, we need to calm down. Tune in again next week when we pull apart "King of Easy Listening" James Taylor's accounts of heroin addiction in his memoir Long Ago and Far Away and claims by Shane MacGowan in A Drink with Shane MacGowan that he once brushed his teeth.

CRITICAL FATWA

All hail R.E.M.! They were the jingle-jangle morning of indie rock, and their latest albums are…not bad for a bunch of old farts. For all the great tunes, we have held our tongues in regards to goofy front man Michael Stipe. But no longer. For releasing yet another of these tiresome charity songs, this one for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Stipe has earned himself a fatwa!

Stipe's Joseph Arthur-penned "In the Sun" is bland and, worse, mopey. Frankly, Stipe, the victims of Katrina could give two shits about your two-bit malaise. Sad-sack white folk know what you mean when you sing "Everybody Hurts." A person who found their mother's corpse by the smell of it in the wreckage of their home might tell you to sit down and cheer up. Have a Coke and a smile, Stipe (along with your celebrity guests such as Chris Martin and will.i.am). Next time, think about quietly donating the proceeds of a hit single instead of a self-indulgent public wankfest.

Fatwa! May "In the Sun" be the sunset of the charity song. May artists learn to do good works to get good feelings. It is written.

HIP-HOP IN HELL
Ten of the worst rapper names possible
By John Nova Lomax

Rap names have got to be tough. You've got to either jack some famous gangster's name, or glom on to some hideously crime-ridden 'hood, or call yourself a "Pimp," "Hustler" or worse. It's a lot like the blues, one of the only fields of endeavor where the adjectives "blind," "peg-leg" and "cripple" in front of your name help enhance your cred and thus your sales. In both cases, what society at large would see as a handicap is a boon.

It got us thinking...These days, everyone in Houston's a rapper -- what if the people from the rich part of town wanted to start rapping and named themselves truthfully? At any rate, we came up with these ten H-town rap names you'll probably never see again.

10. Da Pearland Pimp

9. Cinco Ranch Souljah

8. Da Meyerland Murda Maab

7. Da Copperfield Killa

6. Tanglewood Terror Squad

5. Greenway Plaza OG Click

4. Buffalizzle Speedwizzle

3. Piney Point Trillage

2. Dem Galleria Boyz

1. Macanudohouse

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