The Abattoir

On a recent VH1 special, Gene was forced to admit that, no, he really hadn't slept with all the women he pretended to over the years. It was all part of his typical-and-tired rock star preening, a marketing choice that backfired when his children saw a televised interview wherein daddy bragged ad nauseam about all the gunch he'd burrowed through over the years. "Is it true?" they asked, concerned about what it might do to their mother's mental health if the word got out (Simmons has lived for a quarter-century with B-movie actress Shannon Tweed, with whom he's fathered two children). It wasn't. "Don't you think that's disrespectful to Mom?" the tykes asked. Yes, it was. So he went and admitted to his kids and the camera that it was all a sham. Now the makeup was off in more ways than one.

In conclusion, to understand why KISS really ought to fall under the Abattoir's mighty blade, look no further than a Simmons quote from earlier this year that appeared in that balls-to-the-wall rock mag known as Forbes magazine:

"You go to Burger King and know you can have it your way. That's all you need to know."

Thanks, Gene. KISS is like Burger King. Cheap, plentiful, appealing to a segment of the population that doesn't know any better. And fucking terrible for you. -- Brian McManus

Between the Cracks

Band name: Duck Duck Goose

Web site: www.myspace.com/duckduckgooseband

Personnel: Elaine Michelle Greer (guitar, keyboard, vocals); "Jaime" Andy Monteil (drums).

Native or transplant? Duck Duck Goose is from Houston, Texas. However, Jaime wanted to add that he is originally from Kansas City, Kansas.

What's in a name, particularly yours? Duck Duck Goose was our favorite childhood game. Actually, the name came on a bit randomly. It started out as "The Duck." Not sure if I could explain that one either, though.

When did you form? We formed a few months ago. Jaime is in several other Houston-area bands, such as Chim Charoo, King Louie and the Swingin' Monkeys, and the Skandals. Elaine didn't perform much but just wrote a lot of songs in her room. Then Duck Duck Goose formed, and Jaime made Elaine's songs take flight with his soulful beats.

Releases/discography: The Duck Duck Goose self-titled EP...we're working on a lot of stuff right now.

Who or what do you think you sound like? Folk/pop.

What are some of your noteworthy recent feats? Jaime recently got promoted from cook to assistant manager at Mr. Gatti's pizza!

What albums have had the biggest impact on you? Jaime: And Yet And Yet by Do Make Say Think; Elaine: Advisory Committee by Mirah and anything by Bob Dylan...

What artists have had the biggest impact on you? Jaime: the Slackers, Neil Peart, Marvin Gaye; Elaine: Bob Dylan, Rilo Kiley, Neutral Milk Hotel, Mirah and a lot of folk and lady musicians.

How do you pay the bills? What is your day job? Jaime works at Mr. Gatti's pizza, and sometimes at the Lighthouse of Houston. Elaine makes smoothies.

Finish this sentence: If I didn't have to worry about money, I'd... Jaime: swim, all day, in a big blue swimming pool; Elaine: probably have a lot of dogs, all pugs, and live somewhere really nice by the beach.

Finish this sentence: I'd rather be... Jaime: touring with Jonathan Richman or running my own pizza place/music venue; Elaine: touring at all, or eating/ sleeping/relaxing.

Who would play you in the screen adaptation of your life? Jaime: Fabio; Elaine: Maybe Queen Latifah, 'cause she's sassy.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Jaime: In South America, playing calypso music; Elaine: Probably still in Houston.

What's the biggest misconception about you or your band? That we rock too hard! (Seriously.)

Give us a random factoid about yourself: Jaime thought it might be important to point out that he has a dimple in one of his ears.

Weezer or Winger? Winger.

Jay-Z or Z-Trip? Z-Trip.

Football or foosball? Foosball!

Parting shot? Jaime says: "Live Long and Prosper."

See them at: Super Happy Fun Land, 2610 Ashland, on Wednesday, May 10.