Feel My Pain

A reporter goes after the online drug business and gets wasted

The U.S. Department of Justice has a policy that deals with accusations of criminal misconduct against the media. This policy generally requires personal approval from the U.S. Attorney General before a member of the media can be charged, arrested, indicted or prosecuted. It reads in part: "This policy statement is thus intended to provide protection for the news media from forms of compulsory process, whether civil or criminal, which might impair the news-gathering function."

Not wanting to be impaired, I immediately called my editor, who immediately called the lawyer, and shortly after that is when the confluence occurred: the perfect storm. The twin attacks of the DEA and my reckless e-mail were working their ways up the company ladder.

Thus, while I was having my ass handed to me in my editor's office, I got a visit from two DEA agents who wanted my drugs, including the Xanax whenever it arrives. Since the DEA likes giving their investigations cool James Bond names like Operation Gear Grinder (for real), I figured they could come up with something for me like Operation Dumbass.

But at least the DEA has my bottle of Vicodin and my tube of steroids. So, you know, Houston's much safer now.

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