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Phat Promises for 2007

New Year's resolutions of the stars

You promise to quit smoking. Or to get your beer gut off the couch and onto the treadmill. You swear to stop downloading "Kidz Bop" tracks from iTunes. And to cut back on your MySpace time. We all have our little resolutions that we make around this time of the year. It's a new year and we want a new us to go with it. Most of the time, these solemn vows are forgotten by the middle of your Super Bowl party when you find yourself licking the bottom of the ranch dressing jar.

It would stand to reason that some of our biggest stars have made these promises, too. They are human, after all (in a funhouse mirror, distorted kind of way, of course).

Jay-Z -- Retire again by March. Get back in the game by August. Record a comeback album in September. Retire the day of the release on Columbus Day. Announce another comeback on Halloween. Repeat this process for the next 30 years until I am elected President of the United States.

The Victoria's Secret special edition Depends Party Girl Diapers will keep you dry and Fergielicious!
The Victoria's Secret special edition Depends Party Girl Diapers will keep you dry and Fergielicious!

The Fray -- Enough of the piano pop. How did we go from being Denver's premier black metal group to doing The View? It's time to break out the corpse paint and the ceremonial daggers. The grim deed is at hand!

Fergie -- Team up with Depends and Victoria's Secret to create the ultimate adult diaper for all the party girls out there. My slogan: When you want to be dry and Fergielicious!

Brooke Hogan -- Sue the doctor for botching my sex-change operation.

Guns N' Roses -- We promise not to do anything that might indicate to our fans that Chinese Democracy is going to come out this year. (We like to give those little folks their dreams.)

The Mars Volta -- We agree that our output so far has been enigmatic and near-unintelligible. So this year, we plan to record with Timbaland and Lil Jon on our new song "Spaceman Octopus Farts on the Elvis Astronaut in the Parking Lot at Home Depot (Yeah!)." See you on TRL!

Tupac -- Living covertly in a remote fishing village in Vietnam is more expensive than you might think, what with paying off the local gangs and the government. I got to get back in the studio.

Bruce Springsteen -- In 2007, I will release a fiery and rebuking protest album each month. The topics will vary: the line at the grocery store, pocket lint, Taco Bell, pit bulls, humidity and why cheesecake tastes so good but it's so bad for you. The citizens have to rise up.

Britney Spears -- I promise no more crotch shots. I'm gonna git me some panties, y'all.

Sean Preston Spears Federline -- I'm gonna start a therapy fund, y'all.

 
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