By Corey Deiterman
By William Michael Smith
By Jef With One F
By Craig Hlavaty
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Sonya Harvey
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Nathan Smith
You often hear that certain music is "cheesy." That's all well and good, but what kind of cheesy? Is it hard cheesy or runny cheesy? Processed or organic? Is the cheesy music in question more akin to Fontina Val D'Osta or plain old Velveeta?
Wack aims to answer those questions and more with this, the first ever Guide to Musical Cheese. You probably already know what wine to serve -- now you'll know your playlist, too.
Cheese Type: Asiago
Properties: Mild when young; gets nuttier as it ages.
Cheese Type: Brie
Properties: Creamy texture, buttery taste. Melts at room temperature.
Cheese Type: Feta
Properties: Salty and pickled.
Cheese Type: Havarti
Properties: Buttery, mild, Scandinavian
Cheese Type: Processed French,like Laughing Cow
Properties: As above, but whiter
Cheese Type: Swiss
Properties: Taste ranges from mild to sharp, most notable for its many holes.
Musical Equivalents: 50 Cent
Cheese Type: Processed, such as Velveeta, American cheese, "government cheese," Cheez Whiz
Properties: Day-glo yellow color, rubbery, melts easily, gooey, inorganic, often served on white bread. No nutritional value whatsoever.
Musical Equivalents: Kenny G, John Tesh, Michael Bolton, James Ingram, Styx, Peabo Bryson, Luther Vandross, Peter Cetera, Barbra Streisand, Amy Grant, Meat Loaf, post-2000 Rod Stewart and Vanilla Ice.
Cheese Type: American Cheddar
Properties: Taste ranges from bland to extra sharp. Often served on white bread. Can range from boring to quite tasty. Just as it dominates the cheese section of most generic supermarkets, so it dominates your terrestrial radio's shelf space.
Cheese Type: Canadian cheddar. (Yes, there is such a thing. Ontario cheesemakers once made an 11-ton block of it called The Mammoth Cheese.)
Properties: Identical to American, but is more sarcastic, talks a bit funny and has a maple leaf on its backpack.
Musical Equivalents: Bryan Adams, whose collected musical output is very much like an 11-ton block of (extra mild) cheddar. (Australian cheddar also exists; it is exemplified by Olivia Newton-John. Air Supply is Aussie processed cheez.)
Cheese Type: English cheddar
Properties: Generally more flavorful than American; occasional streaks of tasty mold.
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