Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice. The patron saint of the would-be Federline dynasty. The thorn in Marshall Mathers's side. The scourge of aspiring white rappers all over. Vanilla Ice (a.k.a. Rob Van Winkle) has incited shock, revulsion and curiosity in the hearts of Americans for almost two decades. Coming from a distinguished lineage of racial appropriation that includes Pat Boone, Ali G and Lady Sovereign, Vanilla Ice made his mark draining the color out of the black man's sound. For the past decade, Vanilla Ice has run the gamut from rapper to motocross racer, Limp Bizkit acolyte to Ron Jeremy's roommate, and now, a rumored soon-to-be proud member of the Swishahouse roster of Dirty South rappers. Does this mean Houston will be seeing more of Vanilla Ice? Gosh, we hope not.

Since we've been trying to confirm his soon-to-be-signed-to-Swishahouse status, we've been following Mr. Ice around, sneaking around corners and putting our ears to whatever keyholes we think he might be behind. Here is a transcript of what we overheard (overhearing is legal, right? There's no right to privacy issues on overhearing, right?)

Television exec #1: So, Mr., ah, Vanilla?

Television exec #2: Or is it Mr. Ice?

Vanilla Ice: You can call me Rob, actually. Mr. Ice sounds like you're talking to a metal box sitting outside of a gas station with random dudes grabbing bags of ice out of me. (Laughs)

Television exec #1: What gas station?

Television exec #2: Are we cross-promoting with the Oil & Gas Division again?

Vanilla Ice: Maybe you should just call me Mr. Van Winkle.

Television exec #1: I must say, Mr. Ice, before we get down to brass tacks, I'm quite the fan. I must have worn my copy of "Ice Ice Baby" out, listening to it every morning before school.

Vanilla Ice: That's nice of you to say that. What college were you going to?

Television exec #1: Oh no, Mr. Ice, junior high. You really got me pumped up for the day.

Television exec #2: I was too young for "Ice Ice Baby"; my older sisters listened to you, though.

Vanilla Ice: Anyway, the deal I'm here for, I understand it's a scripted reality show.

Television exec #1: Yes, that's right.

Television exec #2: A reality show about your real life, day to day, but we'll give you a script of what to do and say.

Vanilla Ice: Well, ah, I guess...

Television exec #1: We're casting for your best friend now.

Television exec #2: We figure a slightly younger male, someone who can look up to you. Maybe a redhead.

Vanilla Ice: But I have my own, real-life best friend.

Television exec #1: But the character will have to be vetted.

Television exec #2: Right, we don't want any nude-photo incidents like Miss Delaware.

Television exec #1: I think it was Miss Ohio.

Vanilla Ice: Whoever it was, I already have a best friend -- Jimmy.

Television exec #1: But he's a real person. That's so, so hard to get past the lawyers.

Television exec #2: And with little children involved, we have to be extra careful.

Vanilla Ice: Little children? I'm going to be rapping to little children?

Television exec #1: Rapping? (Laughs) Oh, no, Mr. Ice, you won't be rapping.

Television exec #2: Gosh, no!

Vanilla Ice: So what will I be doing?

Television exec #1: We're redoing Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, but with an edge.

Television exec #2: We're calling it Vanilla Nice.

Vanilla Ice: Oh, sweet Jesus...

Television exec #1: So, if you'll just sign here, Mr. Ice.

Television exec #2: Mr. Ice, Mr. Ice, why are you crying?

Vanilla Ice performs Saturday, March 24, at the Scout Bar, 18307 Egret Bay Boulevard, 281-335-0002.