By Corey Deiterman
By William Michael Smith
By Jef With One F
By Craig Hlavaty
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Sonya Harvey
By Jesse Sendejas Jr.
By Nathan Smith
Music moguls P. Diddy and Jennifer Lopez are among the honchos showing their spring fashions this season, and that got us to thinking. Surely, clothing can't be the only thing singers are hawking? What other products have singers slapped their names on? With a little digging, we found these fine products:
1. Zyp lip balm by rapper and Beyoncé squeeze Jay-Z. Jay-Z has some of the biggest lips in the business (rumor is he sometimes uses a small paintbrush to put Zyp on his own lips), so we figure he's gotta know something about keeping his mouth moist and kissable. We say this is a buy.
2. Thomas, Hill, Unger & Gomez Law Offices (T.H.U.G. Law) Prepaid legal services being fronted by South Park Mexican. As a paid spokesman, SPM gets a discount on services for his current legal woes, which include an appeal for his sexual assault of a minor conviction as well as ongoing suits/countersuits with Wal-Mart music buyer Dick A. Lot. Looking at their track record of zero wins and 732 courtroom losses (not to mention they can't spring their own spokesman from TDC), we say this is a bye.
3. Eclipse Sunscreen by rapper Brother Ali. Albino Ali offers Eclipse in SPF 30, 50, and 300. A definite buy.
4. Cleopatra Eyeliner by singer Avril Lavigne, developed by Lavigne and her favorite makeup artist Frank Smith (a.k.a. Thundering Thelma on L.A.'s drag show circuit). Recent civil suits have been filed in three states charging that the eyeliner, when used according to the manufacturer's (Thundering Thelma's) instructions, can cause temporary blindness. (“Beauty is pain,” Thelma is said to have stated during her deposition.) One case in Ohio charges the plaintiff's eyelids became glued together due to frequent use. Until these court cases are resolved, we say this is a bye.
5. Bootylicious Pantyhose by Beyoncé. Not only are these pantyhose run-resistant, they are especially designed to accommodate extra-large, protruding butts like Beyoncé's. Word is that the product was rushed to market in order to beat a similar product by Jennifer Lopez. It comes in 37 colors and 14 butt sizes. We say buy.
6. MyTeeth dental floss by Macy Gray. Extra strong to prevent floss breakage, comes in seven wine cooler flavors. We say buy.
7. The Flavor of Teeth, decorated grills and dentures all-in-one designed by Flavor Flav himself, on Flavor Flav himself, for Flavor Flav himself. There have been low sales since the product line was introduced. It seems Flav made a key error in marketing research very few gangstas live to old age; most of them are dead before they reach senior citizenship. He is making some sales to boxers and other athletes, including a diamond-encrusted grill/denture combo to Mike Tyson. We say bye.
8. Barefoot Diva pedicure kits by singer Joss Stone. Known for singing onstage in her bare feet, Stone put Barefoot Diva through product trials herself. The package includes a guide to toe exercises and picking the right toe ring. We say buy.
9. Shine-a-Lot Toothpaste and Rim Polish by Houston rapper Paul Wall. Since Shine-a-Lot is actually two much-needed products in one, we say buy.
10. The Snizzle Sack a portable pharmacy kit by Snoop Dogg. Not loaded down with useless items like aspirin or bandages, the Snizzle Sack instead comes with litmus test strips measuring the purity of cocaine, heroin and crack. Also includes needle wash, rubber tubing and detailed instructions for CPR. We say buy. (Those test strips come in real handy.)
11. How Far is Taco Heaven Taco Mix by Los Lonely Boys. After boring reporters and readers with their endless drivel about their “musical burrito” approach to songwriting, the boys thought they'd bore cooks instead. It's packaged well, but is rather bland sort of like the last Los Lonely Boys CD. We say bye.
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